Former chief justice Mogoeng Mogoeng
Our former chief justice, Mogoeng Mogoeng, believes he has a right — pre-ordained and divine — to become president of our fair Republic without a single vote being cast in an electoral process.
MoMo, appointed by our former president, Jacob Zuma, as South Africa’s number one jurist way back in September 2011, says he is headed for the Union Building at some point in the future.
At the weekend, Mogoeng finally gave us a glimpse of what uBaba saw in him — back in the day — when he announced at a church gig in Bloemfontein that he was headed for the presidency, sans elections.
It’s a case of no party, no votes, no worries for Mogoeng, who has been talking up a run at the presidency since his days as chief justice — just not one based on intervention from above, rather than on the will of the electorate.
Not the most democratic or enlightened of sentiments from a former chief justice and would be future head of state.
Not very reassuring either, for those of us living in the country Mo the Messiah wants to take control over without a single vote being cast in his favour, particularly given that there is an election coming up.
According to MoMo, the man upstairs has had a word in his ear — three times to be precise — and has given him the assurance that the head of state’s job is his: no application, or voting, required.
Not quite Jesus and Peter in the garden; three days in the cave or Man City pulling the treble last season, but Mo Miracles says the voices in his head have told him thrice that at some point he is going to have the opportunity to stash some shekels in the sofa.
One wonders why the good Lord has had a chat with MoMo three times, and not once, or seven times, or over the course of 40 days and 40 nights?
Was He concerned that Mogoeng is hard of hearing — or a little slow on the uptake — and felt the need to reinforce the message?
One wonders how the conversations took place?
Did God use modern, more conventional means, and give Mogoeng a call on the cell phone; some FaceTIme vibes: did He drop him a message on WhatsApp — or a voice note — to give him the good news?
Did the Creator keep it old school, and set a bush on fire, like He did with Moses, to have a chat, or did He simply whisper into Mo Miracles ear that he had better get ready for a move from Zeerust to Pretoria, sharpish.
MoMo says it is “unstoppable and inevitable” that God will make him president of South Africa at the appointed time without him raising his hand to ask the electorate to vote for him.
Mogoeng says that the big man reckons it’s his turn — soon — and that the no matter whose head the voters make their cross next to at voting time, it’s MoMo’s cranium that will adorn the walls of court houses, police stations and public toilets at some point in the future.
MoMo says that no matter what the voters want or who they vote for, it is he who will become president, by markedly miraculous means, at the appointed — or should that be anointed — time.
According to MoMo, it is God, and not the voters, the funders or the Electoral Commission of South Africa who will determine the outcome of the polls; that an act of Godly poll-rigging in his favour is both inevitable and unavoidable.
One wonders whether MoMo will rule alone — like some kind of Deputy God — when he takes over the country, or will he call others to sit in his cabinet, in some kind of a Biblical moonshot coalition to govern Mzansi.
If he does, who does he call?
My money is on the Father, Son and Holy Ghost; the heavenly host and — most definitely — the 12 tribes of Israel, given MoMo’s political leanings, which he made pretty clear during his time as chief justice.
Or foreign policy is headed for hell — and Tel Aviv — when Mo Miracles takes the reins; a time to say farewell to bottle stores on Sundays, legal cannabis, LGBTQ+ rights, abortions, vaccines, bettings shops and rational thought.
I’m not panicking yet.
It’s not just the fact that MoMo isn’t the only one with a hotline to the Almighty.
Mogoeng will need more than the miracle he has predicted — some actual votes — to get him anywhere near the Union Buildings, unless he’s invited to watch a presidential inauguration in his capacity as a former chief justice of the Republic.
Thank God for that.