BUT YOU COULD LOSE YOUR FRIENDS
More irksome status symbols than BMWs, cellular phones demand their own set of rules for users. Reg Rumney reports on cell phone etiquette
YOU are lying on the beach, soaking up the sun’s pleasant if carcinogenic rays and listening to the soothing susurration of the sea’s waves. But what’s that sound? Surely not? Yes, it’s the Yuppie-from-Hell, shouting into his cell phone: “Press him! He’s just getting cold feet. Press him!”
Luckily, even the most committed thrusting young execs would probably avoid taking their cell phones to the beach. (The sand and the salt water are not good for the instrument, you see.)
They are ubiquitous elsewhere, and even in that hippest of hangouts, Rockerfellas in Rockey Street, everybody has one plugged to their ears all the time.
In the United Kingdom, where cell phones are no longer quite such a novelty, restaurants have rules: No cell phones at the tables.
Here, a sign in the Radium Beer Hall warns cell phone users that their phones will be confiscated if they use them after 6pm. The reason is that impatient yuppie patrons were phoning the Radium management from their tables and asking if they could have a some service, please. If the UK trend becomes established here, this will be a blow to cell phone owners, who were looking forward to their only chance of getting served promptly in the many Johannesburg restaurants which charitably employ blind waiters.
In any case, whipping out your cell phone in a restaurant won’t even cause the kugels around you to swoon.
Strange as it may seem in a country where people are not bothered by the sight of men urinating openly in the streets, the use of cellular phones in public elicits strong disapproval, along the lines of, “Oh God, what a show off!” (In contrast with public urination, this will be the reaction whatever the size of your phone.)
Possibly the only safe place to use your cell phone is in the privacy of your office, which of course defeats the purpose of having one in the first place. This doesn’t prevent cell phone junkies from using their phones at their desks, for reasons which are hardly transparent to the rest of us.
To limit possible antipathy here are some general notes on cell phone etiquette:
* As with smoking, it is not advisable to make or receive calls while eating, and it is particularly reprehensible to take calls when you are a guest at a dinner party. Turn your phone off, and divert calls to your voice mail. If you forget, and the phone rings, you will have to answer. Avoid embarrassment by whispering loudly into the mouthpiece something along the lines of, “Thank God you phoned me. Yes, sell, of course, sell,” — unless it really is your broker calling you about the futures market.
* Like smoking, taking or making calls on your cell phone is NOT permissible during sex, unless you and your partner are into these things. As with smoking, using your phone AFTER sex is permissible, particularly if you have to take a call from your wife to explain why you aren’t in the office.
* Using your cell phone FOR sex is only permissible if the handset has a vibrating option and you have the consent of your partner.
* Remember to turn your phone off at the theatre or in the cinema, and for God’s sake leave the theatre seat to take calls lest the murderous resentment of fellow patrons spill over into the kind of brutality too often seen in films these days.
* It is impolite to make calls while you are talking to a client, unless absolutely necessary, that is, your dealer has just received a shipment of pharmaceutical quality merchandise. And making or taking calls at a board meeting is strictly a no- no. But if you forget, follow the same procedure as with answering calls at a dinner party — except change the message: don’t say “sell”, say “buy”.
* If you hand out your cell phone number, make sure that those who are likely to call you know they are being charged an astounding premium — R1,35 a minute — for the infinite pleasure of hearing your voice.
* Stop suddenly in the busy midday street to answer your phone by all means, but be prepared to be involved in a pedestrian pile-up of slapstick comedy proportions.
* If you will use your phone in the car, thereby endangering your own life and the lives of others, at least get a hands-free car installation. You may appear to be talking to yourself, but it’s easier to lane hop and tailgate with your BMW (naturally) if you are using both hands.
* If you run someone over, it is only polite to offer him your cellphone to call an ambulance. If the unhappy pedestrian asks you to call him an ambulance, use your cell phone to do so rather than displaying your knowledge of ancient jokes by replying, “Okay, you’re an ambulance.”
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THE WEEKLY e-MAIL INTERNET SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE Issue dated August 26 1994
NEWS AND OPINION SECTION
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