/ 28 May 1999

I shall vote for the ANC

Loose cannon Robert Kirby With apologies to Christopher Logue

I shall vote for the ANC because Felicia Mabuza-Suttle says it will improve my image.

I shall vote for the ANC because 65 murders a day isn’t nearly enough.

I shall vote for the ANC because the ANC loyally supports Allen Boesak in his many Christian works.

I shall vote for the ANC because Marthinus van Schalkwyk uses ManTang body-spray.

I shall vote for the ANC because Ronnie Kasril’s fanagalo is getting better by the military funeral.

I shall vote for the ANC because Baleka Mbete-Kgositsile is going to take over the Arrive Alive campaign.

I shall vote for the ANC because I want to see all disgusting Eurocentric cultural institutions disbanded.

I shall vote for the ANC because I believe prisoners should not be denied the loving care and respect everyone has promised them.

I shall vote for the ANC because my urologist says the ANC likes people pissing in its pockets.

AND

I shall vote for the ANC in order to protect the sacred institutions of the Employment Equity Act.

I shall vote for the ANC because I want to rape an SABC television newsreader.

I shall vote for the ANC because this will give Aziz Pahad a lot of extra Voyager miles.

I shall vote for the ANC because both Mr Mandela and God vote for the ANC.

I shall vote for the ANC because I am a vegetable.

I shall vote for the ANC because should Stalin suddenly rise from the dead I don’t want to be on the wrong side of any forthcoming Jeremy Cronin poetry.

I shall vote for the ANC because I can afford AZT.

I shall vote for the ANC because I’m a closet Red Guard.

I shall vote for the ANC because it’s the only way to ensure Winnie Mandela ends up as Minister of Safety and Security.

I shall vote for the ANC because my nephew knows Alex Irwin.

I shall vote for the ANC because if I don’t vote for the ANC my balls will drop off.

AND

I shall vote for the ANC because my Great Dane has developed an unnatural carnal craving for Max du Preez.

I shall vote for the ANC because Dr Zuma could become legally notifiable.

I shall vote for the ANC because I want to see hard-working policemen rewarded with another five years of George Fivaz.

I shall vote for the ANC because there isn’t enough Ritalin to go around.

I shall vote for the ANC because I am a canned baboon.

I shall vote for the ANC because Cyril Ramapahosa believes in a press totally free of interference.

I shall vote for the ANC because Antjie Krog hasn’t suffered nearly enough.

I shall vote for the ANC because Tony Leon has finally admitted he’s having treatment for his uncontrollable heterosexuality.

I shall vote for the ANC because I am unemployable.

I shall vote for the ANC because Mr Mbeki has such cute double vents.

I shall vote for the ANC because if I don’t they will expropriate my Woolworths card.

I shall vote for the ANC because they’re going to re-appoint Jay Naidoo as Minister of Transcendentally Perfumed Eyelash Conditioners.

I shall vote for the ANC because deep in my heart I’m a fascist warmonger.

I shall vote for the ANC because the newspapers are being quite horrible to Robert McBride.

I shall vote for the ANC because I think we need far more low-cost submarines.

I shall vote for the ANC because someone has to cancel out Louis Luyt’s vote.

But I shall not vote for the ANC because I’ve run out of reasons not to go fishing instead.

Christopher Logue was associated with the British so-called “satire movement” of the 1960s. He wrote material for performance in the Establishment night-club and also a column in Private Eye. His poem, I Shall Vote Labour, was published, just prior to the 1966 British general election, in the Tribune and as a broadside