Cameron Duodu
Letter From The North
`Africa’s leaders, some of whom seized power in coups themselves, have decided, at the final OAU [Organisation for African Unity] summit of the century to ostracise any future African leader who takes power by force,” an OAU spokesman said. (Reuters)
(Fast forward to January 1 2000. Military music is heard on the radio. Cue in:)
Sergeant Wabuulu: (in halting English) Good morning, fellow citizens.
The armed forces have decided to place the destiny of this country in their hands today.
All political parties are dissolved.
All ministers and party officials are ordered to report themselves to the nearest police station with immediate effect. A curfew is imposed from 6am to 6pm.
(Interruption is heard on the radio)
I mean, from 6pm to 6am.
(Another interruption) I mean from dawn to dusk. (Further interruption) Sorry, from dusk to dawn and – dawn.
(Whispers heard on the radio)
I am the mother and grandfather?
(More whispers. The sergeant sighs audibly) The mother and grandmother . (Pause) . of the revolution.
You all know that this country couldn’t have entered the mi – mill – millet-no? – millium? – ah, millennium – with any hope of improving the living conditions of the majority of our people under the corrupt, inefficient, maladroit, avaricious and incompetent government of the People’s Advancement Party. They preached advancement but they practised retrogression.
They … Ahhhhhhh!
(Shooting is heard. Radio goes silent)
(Fast forward to July 2000. The accreditation sub-committee of the OAU is meeting in Addis Ababa chaired by General, now President, Olusegun Obasanjo of Nigeria.)
Obasanjo: Mr Secretary General, I think it will be in order to outline the agenda now.
S Ahmed Salim: Well, Mr Chair, as you know, the agenda is not contentious this year – regional conflicts, which we have to deal with, as usual, international debt, economic co-operation.
Obasanjo: Cut that out! We all know those idiots from Mabuululand want to attend the summit. What are we to do, in view of our decision last year that coup-makers will be ostracised?
Salim: As a matter of fact, sir, they have advanced a very ingenious argument. Colonel Toli, the chair of the ruling council, says that since he intervened only to prevent a mutiny by other ranks who were led by a sergeant, he did not technically carry out a coup, but came to power to restore order and safeguard life and property in Mabuululand.
Obasanjo: Balls. If that’s the case, why didn’t he bring back the old government?
Salim: Sir, the colonel is here himself and can answer your questions directly.
Jerry Rawlings: But if we allow him to address us, then we have not ostracised him!
Etienne Gnassingbe Eyadma of Togo: But it will not be just to exclude him without first hearing his case.
Mathieu Kerkou of Benin: We can appoint a sub-committee to look into this matter.
Obasanjo: We are already a sub-committee. They chose us because they thought we all had first-hand knowledge of this type of situation. I mean, I first became head of state in 1976 after Murtala Muhammed was assassinated; I didn’t carry out a coup. You, Mathieu, have served as a military head of state, stood election as a civilian and lost, but you were then elected; Jerry didn’t resign but went straight into an election from being chair of a military council; which is precisely what you Gnassingbe, also did.
Moammar Gadaffi: In case you want to refer also to my situation Mr Chair, let me point out that it was the unanimous opinion of the revolutionary people of Libya themselves, and not my will, that I should become the Brother Leader. To compare my situation with this Colonel Toli, who is the running dog of the American imperialists and the lick-spittle of Arab monarchic feudalism.
Obasanjo: Easy, my friend. Save that for your next Green or White Book. This is a serious matter. The world will be watching to see whether we match our words to our deeds.
Yahya AJJ Jammeh of Gambia: Charles Taylor should be on this committee. His contribution would be relevant. He is the only one who fought his way to power, yet wasn’t an enlisted soldier like any of us.
Rawlings: The people of Liberia only voted for Taylor because they were afraid that if they didn’t, he would continue the civil war. Ecomog intelligence established this quite clearly.
Blaise Campaor of Burkina Faso: So, Jerry, Taylor was not properly elected as president? Tell me, mon ami, who appointed the electoral commissioner who supervised your own election as president?
Rawlings: Even if the electoral commissioner was initially appointed by us, he showed his independence. After all, the opposition got over 30%. Unlike some people who kill their best friend, and then claim to win elections by 99,9%.
Campaor: Listen to who’s talking. I killed only one former head of state. You killed three!
Isaias Afewerki of Eritrea: It is just like us to squabble over past murders when thousands of Eritreans are being killed, right now, even as we speak, by the Ethiopian imperialist murderers.
Meles Zenawi of Ethiopia: Mr Chair, I hope you are not going to allow such insults? Ethiopians are suffering from this war as much as Eritreans. It is the Eritreans who are hell-bent on stealing our territory.
Afewerki: (Gets up and lunges at Zenawi) Who are greater thieves than Ethiopians?
(There is a general mle as heads of state struggle to separate the combatants. A few old scores are settled during the confusion. The exact details are being kept secret, but if you come across an African head of state who sports a black eye, remember that you read about it here first.)