Neal Collins in London
The venue: Selhurst Park. The date: early autumn 2000. The scene: Wimbledon’s players are gathered in the dressing room to begin their battle for promotion from Division One.
Enter the new manager… “Right, lads, not many of you remember me, but here’s a reminder of what I’m all about (head butts changing room door, which splinters) …. I don’t take any sh** from you foreign w***ers right! And that includes you, Hartson (John, the vaguely Welsh Londoner) and you, Sullivan (Neil, the so-called Scottish goalkeeper without a trace of a Kiltish accent).
“Here’s the team (reads out a list of names, adding descriptions like “useless t***”, “fat b*******)” – yeah, right, no bloody Vikings this week! Fash, you’ll be sweeper. Get off the mobile phone, yer git.
“And the tactics … (turns to the chalkboard) everyone defends here (draws a vivid series of chalk lines across one goal) then everyone gets up here and scores (draws a series of arrows pointing at the other goal). If any other of those f****ers gets in the way, kick the s*** out of him. And that includes the w****er in black.
“And if you’re wondering where your boots are, I’ve burned them. Why are your shirts wet? Cos I put them down the toilet! Laugh as you put them on, you useless t*****rs!
“Remember, games are won and lost in the tunnel, not on the field. Get out there and frighten the f****ing life out of those poofs.”
At this point one of the axed Norwegian strikers faints, two of the less foreign players start punching each other and Vinnie Jones turns the ghetto blaster up to full volume. It’s Wild Thing at 500 decibels. Dust falls from the ceiling. The referee enters and shows Jones the red card shortly before his managerial debut.
Yes, coming soon to a Division One ground near you, Crazy Gang II. With Jones in the starring role.
I’m not joking. I really think Vinnie might be the guy. He certainly wants the job judging by his comments in this week’s British newspapers. I mean, think about it.
Here are some who shouldn’t fill Egil Olsen’s still-cooling Wellington boots at Wimbledon next season: Christian Gross, John Barnes, Roy Hodgson, Bryan Kidd, Ron Atkinson, anyone from Scandinavia.
Here are some who could: Lawrie Sanchez, the Wycombe Wanderers boss, Peter Taylor of Gillingham, or ex-Dons Bobby Gould, Dave Bassett, Joe Kinnear, John Fashanu.
Who will Norwegian chair Bjorn Rune Gjelsten choose? Probably someone like Sven Goran Erikkson if he leaves Lazio, or Guus Hiddink, sacked by Real Betis this week, if he decides not to go to Celtic.
Who should the Dons go for to recreate the Crazy Gang atmosphere which kept them Wombling along in the top flight since 1986 and saw them lift the FA Cup in 1988?
Vinnie Jones, of course. Signed from Wealdstone in 1987, I seem to recall Jones’s first goal as a professional came about a fortnight into his Division One career against Manchester United at Old Trafford.
He made all kinds of gestures to the Stretford End afterwards. Typical really. He’d stopped being a hod-carrier (the guy on the building site who carries the bricks) for three weeks and already he was sneering at the world’s richest club.
After picking up a cup winner’s medal against Liverpool, Jones tried Leeds and Sheffield United, before returning to London and Chelsea – and the Dons.
Throughout those wandering days, Jones continued to coach a Sunday League side called Bedmont Social near Watford. He’d travel hundreds of miles to watch their games every Sunday, sometimes risking disciplinary action.
Yes, he’s a football nut. Don’t believe all those people who said he was a talentless no-hoper. From his long-distance throw-in to his pile-driver of a shot, Vinnie could play a bit, though his strengths lay mostly in his never-say-die attitude and no-prisoners mentality.
Jones, though obviously distracted by the lure of celluloid since his film debut in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, is just the man to pull the Dons out of the mire alongside the likeable but unpresentable Terry Burton, the back-room coach who is in charge for their last two Premiership games against Aston Villa and Southampton.
Wimbledon will lose the battle for survival and start next season in Division One, even less loved and supported than they are now. And Jones should be there to get them ready for the nightmare of regaining a place in the top flight.
Obviously, he’s new to coaching, and Vinnie will bring his own unique style to the job.