It seems African National Congress members and their hangers-on took a ‘follow-my-leader” approach to their recent conference in Stellenbossies. The Network Lounge and all the local bars were well stocked with festive spirits for the duration of the indaba, but no one had foreseen the incredible demand for Johnny Walker Blue and, one by one, the outlets ran dry on this favourite of South Africa’s ruling elite.
Stellar stories
Oom Krisjan has recently been forwarded several versions of the Stella Awards, a list of ‘frivolous successful lawsuits†in the United States. The awards were named after Stella Liebeck of Albuquerque, who was awarded nearly $3-million after she had spilled hot McDonald’s coffee on to herself.
This year’s winner is Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. According to most versions of the e-mail doing the rounds, ‘Grazinski purchased a brand-new 10m Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven on to the freeway, he set the cruise control at about 112kph, and calmly left the driver’s seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the vehicle left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner’s manual that he couldn’t actually do this. The jury awarded him $1 750 000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.â€
The problem with this and the other six Stellas is that they are not true — they’re just urban legends. Oom Krisjan hates to be a post-festive season killjoy, however, so here’s a couple of genuine cases — though they both got laughed out of court.
In March 1995 a San Diego man attempted to sue the city and Jack Murphy stadium for $5,4-million over something than can only be described as a wee problem — Robert Glaser claimed the stadium’s unisex bathroom policy at a Billy Joel and Elton John concert caused him embarrassment and emotional distress thanks to the sight of a woman using a urinal in front of him. He subsequently tried ‘six or seven†other bathrooms in the stadium only to find women in all of them. He asserted he ‘had to hold it in for four hours†because he was too embarrassed to share the public bathrooms with women.
A San Carlos, California, man is suing the Escondido Public Library for $1,5-million. His dog, a 25kg Labrador cross, was attacked by the library’s 6kg feline mascot, LC (also known as Library Cat).
Crux of the matter
Lemmer’s spies tell him that there was some debate before it was decided that South Africa’s highest honour should be named the Order of Mapungubwe.
Apparently there was talk of calling it the Honoris Crux, but this caused a number of high-ranking personages to shift uncomfortably in their seats, so further suggestions were called for.
Almost daily
The most recent South African Airways Voyager Newsletter (left on a seat at the Dorsbult, in case you thought Oom Krisjan had turned into a jet-setter) brings a slightly different spin to what we mean by daily. ‘Many of you have asked, and now South African Airways is reintroducing its daily flights between Johannesburg and JFK Airport, New York. From 1 December 2002 a direct service will operate from JFK to Johannesburg International every day of the week except Wednesdays,†it assures us.
Paper tiger
The manne were glued to the telly in the early hours of Monday morning, watching the Engelse face ritual humiliation at the hands of the Aussies — what they also call the Ashes series.
It was thrilling cricket, livened up no end by the commentators. Ian Botham and Merv Hughes (is it a man or a moustache?) were discussing how often Justin Langer gets hit on the body, and big Merv was testing out the theory that he (Langer) doesn’t mind it too much as he’s very much into martial arts and the blows just toughen him up a bit. ‘He’s got a black belt in origami,†Merv told us. After a moment, Beefy said in a voice strangled by laughter: ‘That’s paper-folding, Merv.â€
Old Linger Langer’s got a black belt in karate, actually.
Own gaol
Piesangland prides itself on ‘zero tolerance†for traffic offenders, but it might have met its match in some very keen British bobbies. A soccer striker was sent for an early bath on his debut last month as police nicked him moments before the start of the match. Paddi Wilson was warming up before Droylsden’s FA Trophy clash with Ashton Town when eight police officers turned up and said to the manager: ‘Find a sub — he’s coming with us.†And so, at last the elusive criminal was put behind bars, never to terrorise the public again with his er … unpaid motoring fines.
How kind!
The Department of Correctional Services this week sent out a self-congratulatory media release detailing how it had ‘joined forces with the Department of Home Affairs by assisting with the transportation of undocumented immigrants back to Beit Bridge in Limpopo provinceâ€.
Prison officials using nine trucks transported more than 300 what used to be called ‘illegal aliens†to the Zimbabwe border.
Considering that Zimbabweans are facing starvation and political repression, Lemmer can’t see what the South African departments are so chuffed about.
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