They say it never rains but it pours. Just ask old Bad Bob up north. Except it his case it pours but it never rains, so to speak. Not only does he have to deal with some mad moffie trying to effect a citizen’s arrest on him every time he takes his wife shopping at Harrods, but the world and its cousin is on his back over his handling of the land issue; no one will believe his election was really free and fair, and his people are starving. If all that wasn’t enough to make any self-respecting dictator weep, now he’s in the awkward position of trying to balance telling the Engelse to get out of his face while at the same time insisting that the same Engelse send their Barmy Army (accompanied by the cricket team) … or else.
And, to top it all, Lemmer hears that South Africa may have plans to send an in old foe to do combat with oom Bob one more time. Among the guests at a society wedding recently were former minister of foreign affairs Pik Botha and Moeletsi Mbeki, whose banter was the pick (Pik?) of some vodka-drenched ramblings during the official speeches.
They took the podium together and Pik spoke first. He gave an entertaining account of his sanctions-busting endeavours and of his numerous addresses to the United Nations Security Council during his many years in the ministry of foreign affairs. Very funny — had it not all been so tragically shortsighted of him and his lunatic government. He then went on to mumble something about ”this beautiful rainbow nation” and how ”we can now get down to the serious business of getting seriously pissed together”.
Then came the turn for the brother of El Prez. He made reference to his role as nemesis to the former chief bullshit artist of the republic. He mentioned how, as one the African National Congress’s top lobbyists, he implored and persuaded the world to impose sanctions in order to bring about — blah blah blah — more vodka for my mates — nazdarovia!!
The younger Mbeki then made mention of the lunatic up north. He spoke of how ineffectual the ANC government has been in dealing with ”this man Mugabe”. ”Maybe there is still a role for this man to play,” he said, arm around the Pikkewyn’s shoulders. ”Here is a man who can deal with such people. Here is a man with much experience in dealing with such people.”
There was a stunned silence followed by a good chuckle. But maybe there was some truth found at the bottom of the bottle. Saddle up, Oom Pik, you are heading out one more time.
No normal sport …
If this wasn’t enough to prove to the manne quite how much our country has changed in the past decade, an e-mail from the South African Sports Commission’s (SASC) chief operations officer Dan Moyo did the trick. The usually sane Moyo (any relation to Uncle Bob’s minister of doublespeak Jonathan Moyo?) is obviously suffering from some festive season after-effects. This is the kindest spin Lemmer can put on Dan the Man’s attack on calls for a boycott of cricket World Cup games to be held in Zimbabwe. Decrying these efforts to introduce ”political interference in areas where it is not necessary”, Moyo says: ”At SASC we view this action by both England and Australia as opportunistic and interfering, by using sports to further their own aims.”
Too many Klippies ruin the memory, but Lemmer is sure that not so long ago a sporting boycott of a Southern African county was believed to be important in ostracising an abhorrent regime.
Duller and Dullah
Another suffering the new year blues is Dullah Omar, the Minister of Transport, who is under fire for his department’s handling of road safety. Rejecting Democratic Alliance calls for his resignation as ”cheap party politicking in what is a matter of life and death for all South Africans”, Omar declared that as he is appointed by the president, the official opposition’s views can ”be safely ignored”.
He rounds off his press release by saying he will meet the Road Safety Board early next month to address the ”problem on the road”. One man’s problem is another man’s carnage.
Ambush marketing
In the 15 months since the attacks on the World Trade Centre and the Pentagon, Americans have gone through all the stages of grief. Now they’re back to doing what they do best: making a quick buck in the sleaziest ways imaginable.
The manne of the Dorsbult Bar are trying to decide whether to send off for the ”New George Bush 2001 Memorial Bill 9-11-01. Dedidcated [sic] To Those Who Lost Their Lives.”
This mock United States greenback has the ”real colour, size and feel of American paper currency”. The front shows ”our proud President, George W Bush”. The back is dedicated to ”the memory of those lost on the day of infamy”.
The sellers implore you to ”Show your support for our country and the people of New York by carrying one of these commerorative [sic] bills!”, which they hasten to remind you are not real currency.
For just $4,50 (including shipping and handling) one of these priceless items can be yours. ÂÂ
Makes you drink, doesn’t it?
Happy whatever
One of Oom Krisjan’s favourite columnists, Matthew Engel, wrote in The Guardian recently about the continuing problems the First Amendment causes the US first family. Careful to avoid offending anyone by any mention of Christmas, Hanukkah or any other religious festival, a million cards were sent out by the White House last month merely wishing recipients ”Happy Holidays”. But inside the card, a verse from the Old Testament was quoted.
Address unknown
Lemmer was a little confused by a letter received about the obituary of Ernest Mancoba printed in your favourite rag’s Christmas edition. The reader wanted Mancoba’s contact details.
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