Oom Krisjan was delighted in these globally dismal times to find this gem in his mail, sent by journalist friends in Afghanistan. Sing to the tune of If you are happy and you know it [clap your hands]:
If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq
If the terrorists are frisky
And Pakistan is looking shifty
North Korea is too risky
Bomb Iraq.
If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq
If we think that someone’s dissed us, bomb Iraq
So to hell with the inspections
Let’s look tough for the elections
Close your mind and take directions
Bomb Iraq.
It’s pre-emptive non-aggression, bomb Iraq
To prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq
They’ve got weapons we can’t see
And that’s all the proof we need
If they’re not there, they must be
Bomb Iraq.
If you never were elected, bomb Iraq
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq
If you think Saddam’s gone mad
With the weapons that he had
And he tried to kill your dad
Bomb Iraq.
If corporate fraud’s a-growin’, bomb Iraq
If your ties to it are showin’, bomb Iraq
If your politics are sleazy
And hiding that ain’t easy
And your manhood’s getting queasy
Bomb Iraq.
Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq
For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq
Disagree? We’ll call it treason
Let’s make war not love this season
Even if we have no reason
Bomb Iraq.
Take cover
Speaking of which, a curious and disquieting item in Beeld caught the Oom’s weary eye this week. Seems the defence force was a mite alarmed by a recent training exercise involving South Africa’s finest. From a distance of 3m, 16 foot soldiers fired 2 800 rounds at three targets. Close inspection after this impressive volley revealed that a grand total of one — yes, one — bullet had hit a target.
If this is the sort of crack marksmanship that stands between us and an invasion by George W Bush, or indeed the Patagonian Girl Scouts, the army’s response is to be welcomed. It’s ordered 15 permanent and 13 mobile ”shooting simulators”, whatever they are, presumably to do the job instead. Let’s hope Manto really was just joking — or misquoted, as she claimed — when she told a stunned crowd of international hacks that more arms spending and less on health was the price of eternal vigilance against Big Boy Bush.
Too late?
But are the Americans already here? The Sowetan pic right allegedly shows Arts and Culture Minister Ben Ngubane talking in Sebokeng this week about moral regeneration. But Lemmer could swear it’s United States Secretary of State Colin Powell. Or, on second thoughts, the leader of the Nation of Islam, Louis Farrakhan. Either way, batten down the hatches …
Dr T is back! …
… in the news, that is, though not necessarily in a job for much longer. The Dorsbult Bar’s favourite new South African, Dr Thoahlane Thoahlane, has just been suspended as city manager of the Tshwane Metropolitan Council pending an investigation into his performance.
He obtained the lucrative Tshwane post in 2001, after the board of the National Development Agency (NDA) ejected him as CEO. Commanding his NDA subordinates to address him as Dr T was just one of his colourful quirks; another was his luxury German sedan with the registration number 911DRT.
Entirely appropriate, muttered the manne at the time. During his brief tenure at the NDA, he moved this crucial organisation, whose central function is to channel funds to NGOs working with the poor, towards intensive care at high speed.
Having left the NDA under the darkest of clouds, the news that he had landed the top job at Tshwane, one of the country’s six largest metros — and at an annual salary within spitting distance of R1-million, nogal — had Dorsbult regulars checking the strength of their mampoer.
But the manne remain confident that Dr T has still dizzier heights to scale.
The third sex
Gender-aware as the Constitution now requires him to be, Oom Krisjan still can’t figure this one out. Seems an impact study of Aardklop 2002, the Potchefstroom arts festival, revealed all manner of wonders, such as that 95% of respondents indicated they would ”definitely” attend Aardklop again. But wondrous beyond understanding is that 52% of respondents were female and 8% male. Who were the other 40% and where can Lemmer find them?
Self-defeating
Following the Mail & Guardian‘s unsentimental obituary of former Citizen editor Johnny Johnson, one of the many outraged, ”I owe all I am and have done to him”-type missives that have flooded the Dorsbult ends as follows: ”He was an unconventional man and brilliant journalist who, against all odds, made The Citizen a success during his tenor as editor.” All that and he could sing too?
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