Klipdrift and Monty Python fuelled one of Lemmer’s rooinek chommies in his creative tribute to this week’s dizzy political shenanigans. Disgruntled Voter (DV) walks into a New National Party office in the evening on polling day, 2004. An NNP worker (NNPW) is at the front desk, looking distraught.
DV: I wish to complain about this party what I voted for not half an hour ago at this very polling station.
NNPW: Oh yes, the, uh, the New National Party … What’s, uh … What’s wrong with it?
DV: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. It’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!
NNPW: No, no, ‘e’s uh … ‘e’s resting.
DV: Look, matey, I know a dead party when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now (staring at television set, where exit polls indicate the fall of the Nats).
NNPW: No no, it’s not dead, it’s, it’s restin’! Remarkable party, the NNP, ay? Beautiful logo!
DV: The logo don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.
NNPW: Nononono, no, no! It’s resting!
DV: All right then, if it’s restin’, I’ll wake him up! (Shouting at TV) ‘Ello, Mister van Schalkwyk! I’ve got some lovely perks for you if you show up … (Yelling and hitting the TV) ‘ELLO MARTHINUS! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! (Watches as the TV records the NNP gaining a minuscule number of votes.) Now that’s what I call a dead party.
NNPW: No, no … It’s stunned!
DV: Stunned?
NNPW: Yeah! It was stunned, just as it was wakin’ up! The NNP stuns easily, mate.
DV: Now look, I’ve ‘ad enough of this. That party is definitely deceased, and when I voted for it not ‘alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to its bein’ tired and shagged out followin’ a long squawk.
NNPW: Well, it’s … it’s, ah … probably pining for the Cabinet.
DV: Pinin’ for the Cabinet? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got home?
NNPW: The NNP prefers kippin’ on its back! Remarkable party, innit, squire? Lovely logo!
DV: Look, I took the liberty of examining that party when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its premiership in the first place was that it had been nailed there.
NNPW: Well, o’ course it was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that party down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent ’em apart with its beak, and voom! Feeweeweewee!
DV: ”Voom”? Mate, this party wouldn’t ”voom” if you put four million volts through it! It’s bleedin’ demised!
NNPW: No no! It’s pining!
DV: It’s not pinin’! It’s passed on! This party is no more! It’s ceased to be! It’s expired and gone to meet its maker! It’s a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed it to the perch it’d be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolic processes are now ‘istory! It’s off the twig! It’s kicked the bucket, it’s shuffled off the mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible! This is an ex-party!
Say cheese
Hacks arriving at the Office of the President last week for the presentation of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission’s final two volumes were unimpressed to be informed that they would have to surrender their cellphones to government communications personnel. This was to ensure that they did not relay the contents of the final two volumes — some 1 500 pages in all — before the report was presented to the president. Protestations about the press’s familiarity with embargoes cut no ice: presidential instructions, the bemused hacks were told.
So there was some silent cheering, and not-so-stifled guffawing, when that effervescent Arch, Desmond Tutu, readied Thabo for pics with the cheery exhortation: ”Make it out as if you like me!”
Freudian
Defection madness has led to some strange illusions among MPs who decided to make haste and cross the floor. ”I’ll be the new ‘id’ of South Africa,” proclaimed firebrand MP Patricia de Lille, announcing her new party, the Independent Democrats. With Power Pat supplying the nation’s fantasies, things are about to become thrilling.
Eina!
Lemmer hears there’s a new term for 4X4s out there. They call them ”I’ve just won a tender”.
Eina! (Part II)
But at least one tender-owner is less thrilled by his acquisition (the undoctored original boldly displays the car dealer’s name):
Render unto Trevor?
Lemmer’s worst skrik of the week came from the headline: ”Boks to play despite Sars”. Wondering why Trevor Manuel’s fiduciary Swat team should be targeting our hapless Bokke, the Oom read on nervously to discover that an outbreak of Sars has caused the deaths of several people in Hong Kong, giving the Bokke Sevens Rugby side, due to play there, pause for thought.
The manne know that fiddling their tax returns can damage their health, but the death penalty’s going a bit far, isn’t it? And why poor old Hong Kong? Adrenalin levels in the Dorsbult returned to normal, though, when it was discovered that this Sars is actually Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome.