Friday September 26 2003: (note to self: remember to rent Deep Impact and Driving Miss Daisy to see how Morgan Freeman manages to look beleaguered yet noble … v. useful for Zim press conferences.)
08:30: Am meeting Graeme Smith at 9. Very excited. NB find out who Graeme Smith is. Have sent Jacob Zuma down to the video shop with R24, which should be enough for both videos.
08:55: Jacob is back and says the bloody video shop wants a R14-million deposit. These video shops are getting ridiculous. Still no one able to tell me who Smith is. Maybe Ngconde will know. Bloody video shop.
09:30: Graeme Smith is charming! He loved the cookies (note to self: promote caterer to deputy minister of agriculture) and drank his tea beautifully, little finger slightly raised but not enough to be camp.
Was dead nervous, because Ngconde said he’s the captain of the national men’s croquet team, and I know nothing about croquet so was careful not to ask stupid questions like ”Do you have your own mallet?” or ”Do the little hoops have a technical name?”
Was just about to ask him why he was wearing the same blazer I once saw Shaun Pollock in, when Jacob phoned and said he’d found place where we could get both flicks on DVD, for only R10,5-million, but it was in Casablanca and he’d need to borrow the jet.
Naturally the keys are in my other suit. Bloody video shops!
Graeme says he’s disappointed he was not already in Pakistan this week, and he looked so crestfallen that I was going to offer him the jet but remembered that Manto needs it for next week’s conference on medicinal garlic use. Asked him why he wanted to go to Pakistan and he looked embarrassed so I left it at that.
10:36: Alone in the office again. Can still smell Graeme’s cologne. Masculine without being Neanderthal. Note to self: get National Intelligence Service to find out what brand he wears. Expedite with extreme prejudice — maybe track him when he goes shopping? — but without it becoming weird or obsessive. Why was he wearing Shaun Pollock’s blazer?
And why are the men’s croquet team going to Pakistan? There isn’t even any grass in Pakistan. Grass! Have I stumbled on to a major dagga-smuggling operation? Must check internet for leads. Hurrah, at last I have a project for the morning!
11:34: Major international row has broken out downstairs. It seems President Musharaf of Pakistan phoned Nkosazana and she thought he was Shah the samoosa man down the road. She tried to order three vegetarian ones for lunch, and Musharaf accused her of bothering him with stereotypes. Managed to appease him by doing my Darth Vader impression on the phone. Always breaks the ice. He wanted to know if Ngconde was totally certain that the cricket team wasn’t going to Pakistan.
This is far bigger than I thought. Cricket, croquet, Pakistan. What … does … it … mean …? First letters, perhaps? CCP — one C short of CCCP, Russian lettering for the USSR. Dope smuggling out of Chechnya? But how is Graeme Smith involved? And how can someone who smells that nice be crooked? No, it must be something else.
13:40: Jacob is such a honey. He phoned ahead to Casablanca and someone else had taken out the DVDs so he’s diverted the jet to Trinidad. Says he’ll find me those movies even if it takes him three months. Cricket, croquet, Pakistan … maybe if I draw a diagram.
14:30: Very frustrating half-hour spent trying to find out why the cricket boys were going to Pakistan. First phoned Ali Bacher, who apparently doesn’t work at the UCB any more. He could at least have told me and saved me the call.
Then phoned Pollock to ask him if his blazer was missing. When I mentioned Graeme there was an awkward silence, and he said that they were getting along very well. What is going on? And why did Shaun keep saying ”When I was captain…”? Who is the new captain? Please God let it not be Makhaya. He’s so noisy.
15:43: Musharaf has just phoned again and assured me that Pakistan is safe for Shaun and his team. While we spoke there was a muffled boom and then sirens, but Musharaf said that was simply his lunch repeating on him. Gauche buffoon. I laughed, though.