Ah, the turd place play-off. Excuse the Irish accent. In sport nobody wants to finish second. Third is bloody rubbish and fourth is right out of the question.
But there we were last night, a massive 62 712 of us in Sydney’s magnificent Olympic Stadium, watching the vanquished semifinalists, France and New Zealand, decide who were the bigger losers.
As it turned out, the All Blacks finished on top of this particularly lifeless dung heap.
Yes, New Zealand, the side voted ”international team of the year” this week, just after their 20-9 semifinal surrender against Australia last Saturday, and despite home and away defeats against England.
They ran everything and put out their strongest side, scoring six tries. France resorted to Jonny Wilkinson-style drop goals (horrors!) and made 13 changes to the side beaten 24-7 by England on Sunday.
Doug Howlett and Joe Rokocoko both took their tournament leading tallies to seven tries with Chris Jack, Joe Rokocko, Brad Thorn and Marty Holah also scoring for the All Blacks. Talented wing Pepito Elhorga put Les Bleus back in the game early in the second half after Dmitri Yachvili’s try and drop goal.
But who cares? This is professional sport, the most Darwinian of pastimes, where only the fittest survive.
Neither of these two fallen dinosaurs were up to it. They go home losers, fit only to be pelted with fruit in Auckland and Paris this weekend.
Bring on the survivors. The super-humans. Bring on England and Australia.
Even Jonny Wilkinson’s kicking is more exciting that a turgid turd place.
The game? Oh, that.
After 11 minutes, Howlett broke, swapped passes with Rokocoko and fell 15 yards out. New Zealand recycled it and jumping Jack went over with Leon MacDonald converting.
While the All Blacks ran, France went for the posts with Gerald Merceron, in for the tournament’s top scorer Frederic Michalak, missing an early effort before making it 7-3 in the 16th minute.
Three minutes later Howlett put the All Blacks further ahead when Muliaina broke and unselfishly played in his winger for a seventh try, which put the former sprinter top of the scorers list. Replacement Daniel Carter converted.
There was even a bit of niggle among the players, surprising for a game of no consequence.
At one point giant French lock Sebastian Chabal lifted Kiwi centre Aaron Mauger off his feet and threw him nonchalantly to the floor, head first. All very barbaric. What were we saying about evolution?
France then tried a bit of a Wilko, scrum half Dmitri Yachvili drop-kicking them to 14-6, much to the disgust of the crowd, who were there for running rugby and Mexican Waves.
One minute into the second half Elhorga jinked through to put France back in the game with Yachvili converting for 14-13. But Rokocoko raced away for New Zealand’s third try, his sixth, converted by Carter 10 minutes later.
Then replacement Thorn scored after neat handling, Carter again, 28-13.
Then it was Muliaina’s turn, 57 minutes in, a superb line movement finished out wide. Carter, 35-13.
Replacement hooker Holah scored number six in the 73rd minute but Carter fluffed the conversion.
Up in the box behind me, All Black coach John Mitchell looks unmoved. Like the rest of us. He knows victory here will make no difference.
He knows they’ve hired a morgue for the Kiwi reception party.