Have you been targeted by the infamous 419 scam, supposedly originating out of Lagos, Nigeria, as yet? You really aren’t anybody of any interest if you haven’t. Or at least, not anybody of any worthwhile material means.
Which means that someone at 419 Scam Headquarters, Apapa, Lagos, Nigeria, has got their intelligence wrong, ‘cos I myself am one of the latest recipients of a 419 scam letter, through the equally infamous mediums of e-mail and the World Wide Web.
Whoever decided to add me to their list of potential targets clearly did not consult my bank manager first. She would have quickly disabused them of the notion that I am someone worth targeting. Heck, I can’t even pay my laundry bills.
The letter I received begins like this: ‘Lordship/Friend, Calvary greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.” You got it: like the African National Congress, the hit was timed for Easter, for maximum effect. My heart was supposed to be softened during this time of the bizarre celebration of the torture, humiliation and ultimate, theoretical resurrection of the man commonly known as Jesus Christ. But read on: ‘I am former Mrs Kadijat Abdulsalami, now Mrs Mary Abdulsalami,” the letter reads, ‘a widow to Late Khalif Abdul Salami Abubakar. I am 72 years old, I am now a new Christian convert, suffering from long time cancer of the breast. From all indications, my condition is really deteriorating and is quite obvious that I may not live more than necessary, because the cancer stage has gotten to a very severe stage.”
Pulls your heartstrings, doesn’t it? But read on.
‘My late husband was killed during the Gulf war, and during the period of our marriage we had a son who was also killed in a cold blood during the Gulf war by fellow Muslim faithful. This callous act make me to change my religion, in there I found the true faith and fear of God.”
Now, we shouldn’t start to rashly assume that this is a scam letter simply because its syntax is obviously Lagos patois translated directly to paper and sent out on what is known as the World Wide Web (a scam in itself, as I have said). Heck, a lot of honest, God-fearing souls all over the world speak broken English.
And who is to say that God himself — or Jesus, for that matter (if he were around to defend himself) — does not speak broken English, anyway? Don’t jump to conclusions. Stop acting the arrogant, supercilious white-man-in-a-black-skin. And so, as the recipient of this heart-wrenching letter, you read on:
‘My late husband was very wealthy and after his death, I inherited all his business and wealth. My personal physician told me that I may not live for more than six months and I am so scared about this. So, I now decided to divide part of this wealth, by contributing to the development of evangelism in Africa, America, Europe and Asian Countries.
‘This mission which will no doubt be tasking had made me to recently relocated to Nigeria, Africa where I live presently. I selected your church after visiting the website for this purpose and prayed over it, I am willing to donate the sum of $10,000,000.00 Million US Dollars to your Church/Ministry for the development of evangelism and also as aids for the less privileged around you. Please note that, this fund is lying in a Security Company in Switzerland and the company has branches, therefore my lawyer will file an immediate application for the transfer of the money in the name of your ministry.”
You have to admit that this is compelling stuff.
The only problem is that I do not have a ministry registered on the Internet — or anywhere else, for that matter. If I did, I might be a wealthier man than I am at present, considering that ecstatic religion, along with gold-digging in the Congo, gun-running in Equatorial Guinea, and prospecting and mining everywhere else, are the biggest growth industries for darkies in Africa at this moment.
And as I say, if I was indeed involved in one of these activities (especially religion), the IRS might just get off my back, along with Telkom, a number of cellphone operators, my agent, various dubious litigants and the same bank manager that I mentioned earlier.
But this is not the case.
So where did they get the idea that I am a high priest of note, with a hostage congregation that could be hit upon? Only God knows.
Nevertheless, whoever it is who got access to my e-mail address perseveres in their intention to use my bank account for easy money laundering, and getting me to chip in a few hundred thousand out of my own pocket (which, I hasten to add, once more, I don’t have anyway, just in case you didn’t get my drift) to boot.
The letter ends: ‘Please, do not reply me if you have the intention of using this fund for personal use other than enhancement of evangelism.
‘Lastly, I want you/your ministry to be praying for me as regards my entire life and my health because I have come to find out since my spiritual birth lately that wealth acquisition without Jesus Christ in one’s life is vanity upon vanity.
‘If you have to die, says the Lord, keep fit—”
You have to give it to them: they try every trick in the book, without fear of contradicting themselves. If you have to die, keep fit?
Well anyway: the alleged Mary Abdulsalami, who has so much wealth to share, ends off with the stirring words: ‘I await your urgent reply. Yours in Christ, Mrs Mary Abdulsalami.” And leaves a forwarding address, should you be inclined to get sucked into the scam.
I’m only passing on the message. If you are interested, on your head be it. Don’t contact me. Leave a message at the switchboard. It’s in the book.