Man oh man, is King Mswati a troubled king. The biggest scandal of the century has rocked the royal house. Two of his 11 wives have recently run away and are hiding in foreign lands. The beauty who was unceremoniously outed for engaging in indecent exposure with a 23-year-old publicity-seeking buffoon is suspected to be in London. Royal intelligence has it that she drove from Swaziland to Durban and caught a flight to Cape Town en route to the UK. The other is allegedly hiding in Johannesburg. They left the King’s heirs behind and the royal house is sending word for them to come back voluntarily for a special “cleansing” ceremony. Now, you can read anything you like into that. My source insists that it “only” involves stripping them of their mystical royal powers to allow them to function normally in a secular world. Giving them back a societal friendliness I suppose. I can’t help but visualise an Asterix and Obelix-like herb dunked in drie-voet of boiling water.
Correctional Minister Ngconde Balfour should feel free (excuse the pun) to take solace. Some six prison-escapes in just two months of his term pale in comparison to this. Applying a friend’s bare-minimum thought framework, which stipulates that all things in life boil down to one of three things: sex, money or power, I am led to conclude that this legendary royal tale boils down to sex. People were either having too much or too little of it, and the gutters hosted uncongenial visitors. The logistics of having 11 wives, with an eye on more, must leave these wives bored, bothered and bewildered. I don’t have a fundamental problem with polygamy, but clearly we have to keep those numbers in check.
“Why in the world could they not just ask for a divorce?” I asked my source, shattered on behalf of these two young women whose lives others are sure to race to document in a series of unauthorised biographies. “Because they were not married by a magistrate,” was his response. So, like what, people don’t have the legitimate right to change their minds? Everyone should have the right to change their mind. I mean, really. Even if, for some, it means waking up one morning, leaving the “old bag” — as women invariably get tagged — and moving to Dainfern with a nubile airhead! That is harsh and does seem unfair, but you know what? Everyone has the right to change their mind. All protocol observed.
In my short lifetime, I have witnessed a significant phenomenon of men changing their minds about the kind of woman who has become acceptable to them. The metrosexual man who, like his female counterpart, flirts with the notion that “single is the new couple”, unequivocally demands that his blessed partner not only be a bombshell, but also intelligent and commercially successful. They have literally changed their minds about being a provider! Now that’s a big change of mind. Our mothers were not chosen for their commercial viability, but we are. Gone are the days when women went to varsity to ensnare the medical students. Now we are expected to use that degree in Art History in a way that pays 50% of the lavish bills. Where have our fathers’ sons disappeared to, I ask? Could the real provider please stand up?! Mswati aside.
One enthusiastic lad, imagining me to be a potluck of enlightenment, asked me what “makes a real man”. Immediately I thought of listing certain qualities in distinct order of preference, until I just responded, “I am not sure if there is such a thing.” Well, certainly not in an absolute state. The new measuring stick is more likely to be a vibrator than a wedding ring. I should have asked him what he thought makes a “real” woman. I have married female friends who, after long days’ slog that out-salaries their men, still rush home to cook for hubby, ’cause that’s the part he has not changed his mind about. While it gives their marriages a semblance of ancient authenticity, be not surprised if they change their minds even about that and rename their unions to the effect of a “loose affiliation of like-minded individuals”.
This is the amorphous space of the urban young man and woman, and the Swazi Royal House needs to consider the rising push-pull factors when disciplining otherwise good women who, in a misdirected fit of passion, probably just wanted to flex their muscle in the real world. Patriarchal dogma aside. n