This week The Star introduced Lemmer to Senzeleni Nxumalo, a prison warder who has been fired for participating in a Police and Prisons Civil Rights Union protest deemed unlawful.
It went on to explain poor Senzeleni’s straitened fiscal circumstances; how he had earned R5 900 a month as a sergeant; how he had had to move into a rent-free house in a prison camp because he could not afford rent in Etwatwa township; how his parents have been buying his groceries for him and his wife since she is also unemployed.
And then, without the faintest hint of irony, the newspaper revealed Senzeleni’s greatest worry: ”Nxumalo is destitute and penniless … and fears that his Audi A4 is to be repossessed because he failed to pay a monthly installment.” Jislaaik …I beg your pardon?
There’s nothing like pardoning a convicted fraudster to tell that white reactionary judiciary just what you think of its processes. At least Allan Boesak’s new congregation in Piketberg will be getting it straight from the horse’s mouth: who better to guide one away from temptation, greed, deceit, hypocrisy and theft than one who has fallen prey to those vices and served (some) time in repentance?
Indeed, Lemmer was on the edge of his seat when he heard that the Mail & Guardian had written to Dr Boesak to ask for an interview, but it was not to be.
Explaining that he and the M&G went together like a horse and meat-grinder, the prodigal son suggested that this paper has ”rarely been interested in the truth of even the nuances of situations” and has been ”consistently disrespectful”.
”I cannot stop you from writing whatever you want,” he went on, ”but I can decide not to be a participant in my own trashing.” Lemmer takes it that’s a no. But Dr Boesak did end off ”With all good wishes.” Same to you, sir.
The right or wonga
And Lemmer’s happy to see that the festive season has not dampened the Democratic Whatever’s taste for the political double-standard. Mark ”Scratcher” Thatcher’s splodge of R3-million in wonga was an ”elegant solution” to the problem; Boesak’s was the worst thing to happen since 1994, proof yet again that living in South Africa is like living on the bottom deck of the Titanic. Lemmer smells an ANC Today letter coming.
Journalism 101 for Miranda
The Oom, himself a former journalist, has now decided it’s high time he did something for the African renaissance, so I’m offering free lessons to the SABC’s Miranda ”Mr President” Strydom.
Now Miranda, when the prez calls a press conference to announce that the African Union is going to take over negotiations for a political settlement in Haiti (it’s that tiny island in the Caribbean, manne), you should really ask why the ousted priest-gone-wrong, Jean-Bertrand Aristide, is there if the mission’s to be credible? Then follow-up with the punchy question: ”Mr President, are we going to put right what the imperialist American’s rent asunder? Are we going to do the right thing and put Jean-Bertrand back where he belongs?”
Dreams of electric sheep
Rita Carlisle (53), a native of Surrey (which Klaas Gevriet tells Lemmer is slightly smaller than his farm, Rinderpestverdriet, but with ugly green grass everywhere) suffers from a condition called essential tremor. Klaas says he gets that every evening after his seventh Klippies.
Luckily Ms Carlisle has an implant in her brain that can be switched off via remote control, allowing her to sleep, whereas Klaas just has the floor at the Dorsbult Bar. But the BBC reported this week that Rita’s handbag — containing her remote and £600 — has been stolen, and the poor thing is finding it impossible to sleep. Oom Krisjan suggests she starts reading Thabo Mbeki’s online column. If she’s still struggling she can move over to Tony Leon’s rebuttals. She’ll be out like a light in no time.
Don’t drink and write
The manne at the DB were perplexed by the public service announcement from the Department of Health that came over his wireless this week. ”Don’t drink and drive,” said the voice, and Klaas stirred on the floor. But then it added, ”Don’t drink and walk”, leaving the lads to ponder about what options were left. Don’t drink and crawl? Don’t drink at all, otherwise drink enough to immobilise yourself completely?
Killing me softly
Meanwhile, their televised counterparts weren’t doing much better. A television slot of Arrive Alive tips explained that ”legislation in South Africa provides for the wearing of seat belts”, which left Lemmer wondering why they just don’t say, ”It is illegal not to wear a seatbelt.” Or better still, buckle up or you will be turned into ground beef.
Green-Bomber-Mullah TV
Dubya had better be prepared to face a united front of bosom buddies ”Mad Bob” Mugabe and ”Mad Mullah” Khatami if he sets his sights on Iran. On a state visit to our northern neighbour the two international pariahs unveiled plans for increased trade, a hydroelectric project and … wait for it … a joint broadcasting venture.
We can see the TV schedule now. 9am: singing of both national anthems (on pain of death for any viewer who mimes, sniggers or fails to stand to attention); 10am: commemoration of the death of the Islamic revolutionary leader Imam Ayatollah Khomeini, whose love, selflessness, dedication to the nation and people, opposition to greed and service to God mirrors that of our glorious president comrade Mugabe; 11am: live from Chikurubi stadium — national flogging of political opponents time trials.
Jislaaik, the manne will never complain about Miranda Strydom again!