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The flop ten

In this week’s episode of i-Dolts, the unreal TV series to find the best exponents of mediocrity in a sea of talent, we have a number of contestants trying to make it into the top 10.

First up is Lawrence Mushwana, Public (Sector) Protector, singing his version of I Can See Clearly Now. However, the judges have decided to disqualify him as it appears that he is lip-synching to music coming through an earpiece.

Mcebisi Skwatsha, with backing vocals by Cape Town’s mayor, Nomaindia Mfeketo, is next, singing Love Me Tenders.

This is what the judges thought: Mara Louw, ”I really like The Voice. It is a fine gossip tabloid”. Gareth Cliff suggested that Skwatsha would have made more of an impression if he didn’t constantly look over his shoulder while he sang. Dave Thompson simply said no, but the first two letters of his name give away his politics. And Randall Abrahams thought that, although this was Skwatsha’s signature song, he should try other material. Like, Twinkle, Twinkle Waning Star.

Another entrant from the Motherless City — so-called because of the apparent drinking habits of a large number of its inhabitants — Blackman Ngoro sings Somewhere, Over the Rainbow. According to insiders, he could not finish because of a coughing fit.

From the tenth province of South Africa, bought for a discount as ”soiled goods”, comes Robert Mugabe, still singing his version of I Did it My Way, followed by Avril Lavigne’s Nobody’s Home (Since I Bulldozed All Their Houses). Mugabe put himself through to the next round after he fired all the judges.

Brian van Rooyen missed his chance to impress the judges because he got carried away while practising in front of the mirror at home, and then, unfortunately, started to believe himself as he sang Hot Chocolate’s You Sexy Thing. The judges suggested that he get carried away, period.

Marthinus van Schalkwyk has been very quiet recently, brooding over the anniversary of the floor crossing. However, he has entered this week’s round of i-Dolts with a song by Brenda Fassie, Weekend Special, mainly to market a two-day tourist pass that includes a free visit to the NNP museum.

Snuki Zikalala, a repeat offender in giving us the good news according to a regular gaggle of ministers, performs Britney’s Oops, I Did it Again. The judges put him through to the next round as they were suitably bored.

Mark Scott-Crossley is a late entrant with Can’t Buy Me Love (or Freedom for That Matter). The judges sentenced him to spend the lion’s share of the next part of his life behind bars.

Sandi Majali of Imvume Management tried to work at the judges’ hearts with a plaintiff rendition of Queen’s I’m Just a Poor Boy, Nobody Loves Me. They were suitably impressed, and put him through to the next round of court battles.

Khaya Ngqula — mainly because of his fears of another SAA strike — sang Rod Stewart’s I Am Sailing. The judges puked.

The crowd favourite, Manto Tshabalala-Msimang, ends this week’s round in fine voice, but won a mixed reception from the judges. Mara wanted to put her through because it’s Women’s Month. Gareth said her garlic breath put him off. Dave said that what she sang was unrecordable. And Randall did his usual ”no comment”.

i-Dolts. Coming soon through a newspaper to you.

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