/ 3 February 2006

Me, myself and I

The manne would like to congratulate African National Congress Youth League President Fikile Beebopaloola on his unanimous re-election as President of the International Union of Socialist Youth at its congress in Denmark a fortnight ago. They would also like to ask him if this august appointment is what’s persuaded him to start using the royal plural in his online briefies. “Our uncontested re-election,” writes Beebop, proves that blah blah blah. “We are indeed humbled by this noble gesture, and we dare not be found wanting in our task.” As for the manne, we are not amused.Ons ry in ‘n BMW

Proving once again that it is the perliddical pordy that cares, the Deeyay this week climbed into military judge Lieutenant-Colonel Mbulelo Mandela for making apparently disparaging remarks about Afrikaans. Incensed on behalf of the volk, the opposition said that the offending judge should not be allowed to get away with insulting one of the country’s 11 official languages. Oom Krisjan assumes this protective sentiment will also be applied in future to pordy leader Tonillion, who will henceforth be banned from attempting to speak the taal.

It’s guano blow

Acting CEO of Eskom, Jacob Maroga, says the power outages all over the country are caused by birds poeping on the pylons. This is a huge relief to the manne, who assumed human incompetence rather than avian incontinence was to blame. No doubt next week Jacob and his crack team of zoologists will reveal that the malfunctions at Koeberg are a result of dolphin drolletjies being sucked up into the cooling system.

Dammit, Janet!

The blurb for a photo gallery on News24 this week had Vrot Snoek all giggly after it declared that “Bafana Bafana’s Afcon campaign resembled scenes from the Rocky Horror Picture Show”. Eager to see Benny McCarthy making a break upfield in six-inch stilettos and silk corset, he clicked through, but ne’er a pair of fishnets was to be found. Lemmer can only assume the manne at News24 once heard Ted Dumitru’s accent and assumed he was a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania. And perhaps they’re on to something — Bafana’s game-plan seemed to be based on the a simple premise: “It’s just a jump to the left, and a step to the right”. Oh Rocky …

Words fail me

And speaking of the artists formally known as footballers, it seems that Bafana Bafana’s technical crew is unhappy about the team being called “failures”. Presumably they want us to call them “special needs players” or “deferred success megastars”; but until they give us alternatives, the manne will stick with “coddled mercenary losers”.