Chelsea: When the biters are bit

Right, kids, this is what you don’t do when you lose a football match. Particularly when you’re getting paid million of pounds to play for Chelsea and you’ve been outplayed by Barcelona in the Champions League even though you haven’t lost for 49 previous home games.

1. Don’t mouth ”fucking cheats” when the television cameras are on you, as Joe Cole did when he was substituted after the sending off of Asier del Horno for an X-rated lunge on Lionel Messi.

2. Don’t threaten to send your reserves to the return leg, or, as manager Jose Mourinho put it: ”Is it worth me sending a team to Barcelona? If it is not, I will keep my main players at home to concentrate on the Premiership and FA Cup and I will send a B team.”

3. Never accuse the opposition of cheating when everybody else thinks you’re wrong. Mourinho again: ”How do you say ‘cheating’ in Catalan? What shall we do about Del Horno’s red card? Shall we try to get Messi suspended? The young boy has learned play-acting very well. Barcelona is a city of culture, there are many great theatres there. Maybe he has learned from them.”

Young footballers know this: such outbursts constitute bad sportsmanship. Take it on the chin, turn the other cheek, keep a stiff upper lip, grit yer teeth. If you can do that all at once, you may need cosmetic surgery, but it has to be done.

Losing with grace is not nice. Particularly when the object of so much of the post-match abuse on Wednesday night at Stamford Bridge was Messi, who will not be 19 until June. The boy’s magic.

Sadly Chelsea, for all their money, couldn’t come up with a player in their £330-million squad to contain him. Del Horno managed to get sent off, Arjen Robben was nutmegged, and captain John Terry had headaches and scored an own goal in the 2-1 loss, though he was still probably the best Blue out there.

The truth is, this was a victory for Barcelona’s artists over Chelsea’s workers. Even when Del Horno was sent off, Chelsea grafted with their 10 men and took the lead. Just like last year’s quarterfinal meeting, in the first leg they went ahead on an own goal despite being a man down (it was Didier Drogba last year), but eventually slid to defeat. Only then, it all happened at the Nou Camp.

We all know what happened next. Referee Anders Frisk resigned over allegations from Mourinho, who, despite being banished from the touchline, managed to ”talk” to his side through various spying devices. More significantly, Barca were beaten by a debatable John Terry winner.

This time defeat has come at the Bridge, the first time such a thing has happened in open play under Mourinho and the first home defeat since Claudio Ranieri was in charge two years ago and Edu scored the goal for Arsenal.

Ah, talking of Arsenal. I take it you saw their sensational 1-0 win over Real Madrid, which makes them the only British heroes this week, though they had no British players.

Liverpool lost 1-0 at Benfica and Mali international Mohammed Sissoko is still lying in a Lisbon hospital with an eye injury that could be really serious. Rangers fought gamely in a 2-2 draw with Villarreal.

But I digress. Chelsea, too rich, too rude, too rough to be true champions, find themselves let down by their mouthy manager again.

As I said around this time last year, they were dead lucky to get past Barcelona. Frank Rijkaard, though he doesn’t spend quite as much as Mourinho, boasts better quality, more entertaining stars. Ronaldinho is the world’s best, he makes Robben look like a crying Dutchman. Deco makes Frank Lampard look like a clogger; Messi is the little Maradona, Joe Cole is the little Paul Gascoigne; Samuel Eto’o is sharp as a razor, Drogba is blunt as a banjo.

This time, footballing justice will be done. Barca will go through and only another extraordinary 180 minutes of bad luck in the quarters or semis will deprive them of the glory Liverpool grabbed last season.