In response to at least a dozen e-mails and letters asking, sometimes desperately, for help, this week’s Loose Cannon takes the form of an Agony column, giving judicious advice to those in need.
Dear Loose Cannon,
I am the recently democratically elected mayor of a small town in the Eastern Cape. So far, and only by the exercise of the sheer force of my will power, I have been able to keep my hands off some very tempting municipal funds. In my previous employment as an ANC parliamentarian I suffered deeply from subsistence and travel abuse. My addiction to public money was so severe it led to my ripping off R420 000 in bogus travel claims. With the help of some understanding colleagues in the finance ministry I was able to pay my debt to society in the form of an R80 000 fine.
Now my previous lapse has come back to haunt me. This is because the white racist scumbag who owns and edits the local rag last week ran a hate-speech editorial reminding the ratepayers of my previous personal tragedy. How should I respond to this slander which is keeping me from fulfilling my revolutionary duties? I even had a small toyi-toyi demonstration outside my office, duly reported with glee and pictures on the scumbag’s front page. — Anxious, Wild Coast
Dear Anxious,
The old truism about the hair of the dog that bit you springs to mind. Issue a pompous mayoral statement saying that you are delighted with the local newspaper’s fearless honesty. Announce that you are setting up a special mayoral committee with the purpose of an independent, impartial, objective and unbiased investigation of the alleged scams and corruption of not only your own brief tenure of the mayoral seat, but that of its previous incumbent as well. As a gesture of transparency invite the white racist scumbag editor to be chairperson of this special mayoral committee. Offer him a truly whopping retainer, something he will find impossible to refuse.
Once he’s in position, he will be completely at your mercy. All you have to do is let him get a glimpse of what’s in store for him in this new and principled position: business class travel to exotic locations for purposes of research; a new S-Class Mercedes-Benz; a couple of platinum level ”municipal” credit cards; some percentage points in the tenders for the next 26 sewerage farms or the building of a new aluminium smelter; assure him that he’ll only be expected to attend one 30-minute meeting a month — those sorts of things. Make sure you keep careful records of everything he spends and sit back. As the old saying goes: If you can’t beat ’em, invite ’em to join in.
Dear Loose Cannon,
I am 42, unmarried and fairly good at my job in the new democratic civil service. My life-partner is a gentle man of sober habits who treats me with great respect and love. Last week I was walking past the lady’s toilets at Home Affairs when an arm shot out. I was pulled inside and fallen on by a pugnacious senior lesbian from the temporary passports division. She thrust me into a booth, tore off my underclothing and over 12 horrifying minutes sexually abused me using a large, cordless erotic toy.
At first I was devastated. I froze, but gradually thawed out over the next two weeks. I now cannot get my mind off what happened. I’ve gone off my food. I lie awake at night in a state of guilty regret longing to experience the whole thing once again. I walk slowly past the same lady’s toilets about 10 times a day. My work is suffering. What should I do? Am I ”going gay”? — Melancholy, Tshwane
Dear Melancholy,
Not necessarily. It might just be a case of sublimation and that it’s the erotic toy that you are actually missing. These plastic and rubber things might look harmless, but often gain strong emotional holds on the recipients of their subtle pleasures. Psychosexual therapists recently identified this infatuation and call it Idiopathic Dildianism Syndrome. So you are not alone. Last year there was a 32-year-old woman in Parktown who abandoned her husband and children after developing a deep carnal bonding with a Kreepy Krauly Mark III — the one that never gets stuck in corners. The happy couple eloped to Australia.
As a first step buy a similar cordless erotic toy and ask your life-partner to try using it. But let me add a note of caution. Do not be tempted to buy or use any erotic toys which run off mains power. Not only will any accidents involve high voltage, but you will be putting your intimate fulfilments at the mercy of Eskom.
Dear Loose Cannon,
Can you tell me whether the Gautrain will be stopping at any informal settlememts. — Curious, Ronnie Kasrils Rainbow Camp
Dear Curious,
The Gautrain will only stop at informal settlements when more than 100 people need to go to the airport. On such occasions a special ”squatter class” coach will be attached to the back of the train. Otherwise much fun will be had watching the Gautrain whizz by full of deeply caring politicians and businessfolk.
A 32-year-old woman abandoned her family after developing a deep carnal bonding with a Kreepy Krauly Mark III