I grew up in poverty, with only basic meals and two sets of my uniform throughout my primary and high school years. One pair of sandals got me through. As a Hindi-speaking child, I had to live within a certain protocol.
I felt as if I did not have any rights. I was not supposed to demand, but to do as I was told. Doing household chores and my schoolwork was not enough; I had to do my brothers’ homework as well. If I did not, I would be beaten and called names. At times I felt as though I deserved what came to me. To keep the peace I would do what I was told.
I hated my body and on numerous occasions I wanted to die. My teenage years became more torturous. The load of homework from my brothers increased and it had to be done right. At 14, my dad passed away. We got poorer and the abuse increased.
My mum could not do much about it. If she tried to protect me, my brothers would break dishes, swear and scream at her. To me, this was how Indian girls grew up. When I finished matric my mum found an escape for me — marriage. She found me a suitable suitor. I was prevented from studying as it was not what Indian girls did.
I was married against my wishes. My husband seemed to be a knight in shining armour who would make my problems disappear. He seemed to be angel-like, sent by God to protect me. At first the marriage was a bed of roses. Then the alcoholism and abuse started.
The domineering behaviour took off like a jumbo jet. The verbal, psychological, emotional, financial and sexual abuse became a normal thing. There was no way of getting out. To get out meant going back to the abuse that I had left behind.
Indian girls do not leave their marital home at all. Their cultural beliefs and myths are what they stick to. They endure their marriage no matter what. I told no one of the abuse and continued to cry in silence.
About 10 years back I found out about an advice desk. This took me by surprise as I only realised then that I had been a victim all my life. As a way of getting out, I applied to learn counselling skills and volunteered at the advice desk. This was against my husband’s wishes so I served without his knowledge. When he found out I would take his abuse.
I became so numbed that I was a living corpse and shut everything out. The abuse did not matter anymore because I could not feel anything. The only love that prevailed was the love for my children. Going through all the programmes and workshops made a difference and I have healed and become stronger.
I became a mediator and am now financially secure and a little independent. The abuse continues but I have learned not to let it affect me emotionally. I have come to a stage in my life in which I realise that life is a gift and we need to live it.
One should not have to endure abuse and stay quiet. Speak up and make a difference. Life is for living. No one should take abuse, especially not from the opposite sex. You are made for them to love you and that’s the way it should be.
* Not her real name
This story is part of the I Stories series produced by the Gender Links Opinion and Commentary Service for the 16 Days of Activism on Gender Violence
16 Days of Activism
16 Days of Activism against Gender Violence is an international campaign that began in 1991. From the International Day against Violence against Women on November 25 to International Human Rights Day on December 10, the campaign aims to link violence against women with human rights. It aims to strengthen local and international work around violence against women and create tools to pressure governments to implement the promises they made to eliminate violence against women. The 16-day period highlights other significant dates, including November 29, International Women Human Rights Defenders Day, World Aids Day and December 6, which marks the anniversary of the Montreal Massacre when 14 women were gunned down on a Canadian campus in 1989.
- For more information on 16 Days of Activism in South Africa: Website: www.womensnet.org.za/campaign/16-days-activismagainst-gender-violence.
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