Take2: The Mark Shuttleworth of con men

Thank you Brandon Huntley, self-proclaimed white-dog refugee. Thank you. You have given South Africans a new hero, and lord knows, we need heroes in this country.
You, sir, are the Mark Shuttleworth of con men.

For centuries, the Western imperialists have been peddling their lies and false ideologies to Africa, and now is our time to strike back. They brought us Jesus, we’re giving them the Brandon. And if they pay a little extra, we’re willing to throw in a very good deal on the Brooklyn Bridge.

They foisted upon us the nation state. In return, the Brandon has exported that quintessential Capetonian attitude we call dofness. This is a man who is so damned lazy he couldn’t be bothered to report to police the seven vicious attacks on his person. Respect.

Beware, Canadians! Soon you will be wandering around smoking spliffs, tripping over the odd moose and saying ‘snowshoo, bru” when someone asks you to do a little work. The Brandon is our Trojan Horse, although admittedly bull is the quadruped that more quickly lurches to mind.

Naysayers appear to doubt that the Brandon could have been attacked seven times. Pah! Unbelievers! You only have to look at a picture of him to know: that is a face demanding to be slapped.

Of course, nowhere is really safe for a white man. In every settler colony you flee to, there is some whining indigene still angry because you tried to exterminate his race. Lighten up, people! Metaphorically speaking. And Canada is as dangerous as South Africa or Australia in that regard. Where South Africa has black people avid for revenge on sprinkler salesmen, the Brandon will soon meet the inconvenient Inuit of his new native land.

And let’s spare a thought for the hero who made the brave decision to enfold the Brandon in Canada’s chilly embrace, William ‘Wooden Nickel” Davis. Bill, the fans of the Brandon thank you, and present you with the Star of South Africa in tribute. It comes with a $1-million dollar cash award. As soon as you send a $50 000 (US) handling fee, the money will be transferred to your account.

Chris Roper