/ 27 January 2010

The way, the truth and the white

What is denial?
Last week the Mail&Guardian asked Theunis Crous, construction boss and ex-boyfriend of Khanyi Mbau, how rich he is. He replied, ‘What is rich?” Hayibo has researched his question and can confirm to Mr. Crous that ‘rich” is having more then you need to feed, clothe and house yourself. ‘Filthy rich” is having enough to pay toady tithes to the ruling party, and ‘Stinking rich” is when you collect Lamborghinis. This final category is also known as: ‘Rich enough that stupid young nouveau-riche gold-digging trophy girlfriends will pretend not to notice the paunch, bad hair and horrible dress sense”.

The way, the truth and the white
According to Pieter White, Grand Dragon and Head Cracker of Jesurun Brotherhood near Ceres in the Cape Province, only white people can be Christians. His website warns that the end of the world is coming soon. Asked if he knew that his world had already ended — on 27 April 1994 — White insisted that it was still 1972 and that everything else was a hologram created by Satan and the Gays.

Hair today, gone tomorrow
Just days after complaining that the ANC had “lost its soul”, reformed pyromaniac Winnie Madikizela-Mandela has confirmed that the soul of ANC has re-appeared and now inhabits her wig. She said that the wig has non-racial principles and a pro-poor outlook, but tends to jump off her head and set things on fire if it doesn’t get its way. She added that the wig usually slides towards the left of her head, although in the presence of big business it quickly straightens up and even sidles slightly to the right.

Storm in a C-Cup
As Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie confirm that they are separating, Pitt has vowed to fight to keep custody of Jolie’s twin breasts, both aged 34.”I love those guys more than life,” said a determined Pitt. “I’ve built up an unbreakable bond with them. I’ve supported them when they needed it, I’ve made them feel loved during difficult times, and I’ve always looked up to them, no matter what position Angie has put me in.” Meanwhile Jolie says she will try to explain to each of her children why their daddy is gone, once she has remembered all their names

In stitches
The DA says it will emulate the ANC’s haut couture leather jackets — hailed as a triumph of bad taste over bad governance — by launching a range of cardigans. A spokesperson for the official opposition said that the cardigans would be made available to the public just as soon as the women’s league had knitted enough.

Alan Not Craig’s?
As Alan Knott-Craig Snr tackles allegations that he stole tracking technology to give to his son to sell through Vodacom, fresh allegations have surfaced claiming that Alan Jnr was developed and produced by his mother and not, as claimed by Alan Snr, and that he was simply rebranded as ‘Alan Knott-Craig’ with a ‘Jnr’ thrown in to confuse copyright lawyers. Meanwhile Vodacom has confirmed that it is launching a new service to augment Look4Me called SueMeAndI’llF*ckYouUp, aimed at finding small businessmen and keeping them in their place.

Nine million reasons to smile
Eskom boss Jacob Maroga has praised arbitrators who secured him a R9-million share bonanza, and has re-affirmed his opposition to Chinese cultural imperialism. Mr. Maroga said he was proud to live in South Africa, where he was free to suck taxpayers dry unmolested, rather than in China where he would have been charged with gross incompetence, the destruction of a state asset and economic treason before being hanged.

Your stars this week
Your boss is pressuring you but don’t take on more than you can manage. An invasion of Russia? Yes. An invasion of Russia during the winter? No. Stop and smell the roses. Or the grain, if you have decided to go in through the Ukraine. — Hayibo.com