Flogging a lame duck
President Jacob Zuma has confirmed that he is no longer in control of either South Africa or the ANC, and will officially hand over power to Julius Malema as soon as he has been measured by a tailor for a new vinyl gimp suit complete with gag-ball, zip-on hood and removable chaps for easy-access spanking by Malema. Meanwhile Malema has welcomed the findings of a recent disciplinary hearing, saying that the only thing he has brought into disrepute is “Zuma’s ass”.
Struggling to COPE
Themba Gwabeni, who spent R16-million of taxpayer funds sending 18 boys to a soccer training camp in Brazil, has been welcomed by the Congress of the People after being fired as Mayor of the Ngaka Modiri Molema District Municipality. This morning COPE spokesperson Sellout Seloto recited the party’s manifesto, dressed as the Statue of Liberty and holding aloft a burning R100 note, saying, “Give me your incompetent, your corrupt, your embezzling masses yearning for free stuff; the wretched refuse of your collapsing party”.
More hot air
Zimbabwean despot Robert Mugabe says that Iceland’s volcanic eruption is “God farting on Europe”. He also confirmed that Zimbabwe’s top scientists are developing a prototype “liberation volcano” into which British agents would be tossed, although insiders concede it is currently just a pizza oven with small shrubs stapled to it. Mugabe made the announcement at a rally celebrating his 30th year in power and was wildly cheered by a recording of people wildly cheering.
Making a killing
South African police officials say that it is a disgrace that officers are losing around 2,500 firearms a year when they could be selling the weapons to criminals at discounted rates. “Do you know what a 9-mil equalizer sells for at Crazy Tshepo’s Glock Discounters in Hillbrow?” asked spokesperson Loosecannon Phiri. “You can get at least R300. That’s like a whole night’s worth of bribes for some Metro cops.” He urged SAPS members to remember that they had the power of the state behind them when it came time to negotiating a fair selling price for their side-arms.
Mission impossible
Defence Minister Lindiwe Sisulu has denied that she snubbed a third consecutive meeting with arms watchdog Scopa, saying that she was in fact in the meeting but was testing new SANDF camouflage that made her invisible. A spokesperson said that the new camouflage design, known as “Non-Accountability”, renders its wearers invisible and immune to repercussions, consequences, questions and embarrassment.
Shake it, baby!
An Iranian cleric has said that women who wear revealing clothes and behave promiscuously are causing earthquakes in the region. He explained that revealing clothes included anything that allowed poor men to see the vile corrupting flesh of the she-beast, while promiscuity in women was defined as a perverted desire not to get stoned to death for having a vagina. Meanwhile women’s groups have asked Iran to stop finding religious pretexts for torturing and oppressing women, adding that being married to the average fundamentalist women-hating Iranian male was torture enough.
World Wide Wally
Communications Minister Siphiwe Nyanda has vowed that all South Africans will have free access to broadband Internet by 2019. He conceded that the government currently had no plan to educate or house South Africans, but said the broadband rollout would cheer up the country’s millions of unemployable shack-dwellers by giving them constant streaming access to YouTube so that they could watch toddlers knocked over by bulldogs. He also promised something called ‘e-government’, which is thought to be like ‘E-Lollipop’ but with less racial tolerance.
Goose-Sepping to glory
The Presidency has confirmed that Fifa godfather Sepp Blatter will be awarded the Order of the Companions of OR Tambo in June. Blatter says he will put the award on his mantelpiece next to the Legion of the Open Wallet (Myanmar), the Cross of St Bankrupt (Moldova), the Order of the Virgin Kickback (Kazakhstan), the Medal of the Chopped Off Ear (Liberia) and the dozen other awards he has received from small kleptocracies that have tried to hide systemic collapse behind footballing glamour.