Four more years!
Jacob Zuma has reassured panicky ANC-appointed civil servants, saying that his demand that they stop blaming apartheid for their incompetence would only apply after 20 years of ANC rule and that their Grade 4 mathematics skills lay at the root of the misunderstanding. “I said ‘after two decades’,” explained Zuma. “And if you add 20 years to 1994 you get, er, you get…” A presidential aide consulted a calculator and confirmed that 1994 plus 20 years was 2014.
Guilty as charged
The ANC’s top brass has announced that it will be charging Youth League leader Julius Malema after all – with being awesome. Spokesperson Tiptoe Vilakazi said that the rabble-rousing Malema would also be charged with “with being stylish, charmingly fanatical and really, really good-looking.” Vilakazi said that the party had already come to a decision on an appropriate punishment. “At this stage it looks like Comrade Malema will probably be deployed to a spa where his dermis and his colon will be purged of undisciplined elements,” he said.
Better fed than red
The South African Communist Party (SACP) has marched on First National Bank to protest the closure of 34 branches in the Northern Cape and Free State. The bank has defended the closures, saying it was not economically viable to staff 34 branches for just 43 clients in both provinces, but the SACP has hit back, saying that it will fight to the last breath to keep bankers employed to help prop up the fiat money system and ensure that future generations can grow up to be enslaved by the debt trap of Western capitalism. In other news, Vladimir Lenin is reportedly turning in his grave.
White power
White board members at Global Event Management, the company that allegedly used a black security guard in a multi-million Rand BEE fronting scam at Soccer City, say they are innocent, but want to remind demoralised whites that they can be just as corrupt as blacks, if not more so. “We’ve done nothing wrong, but if nation-building and restoring the self-esteem of overlooked and marginalized white corporate psychopaths is a crime, then yes, we’re guilty of patriotism in the first degree!” cried an impassioned spokesperson.
We want it all
The AWB has submitted a map outlining the area of its proposed whites-only volkstaat, extending roughly from Cape Town in the south-west to the Limpopo River in the north-east. A spokesperson said the movement had been considering claiming land once occupied by their ancestors in Europe, but realised that they preferred to live in Africa. “Rather a darkie than a moffie,” he explained. “This place might be hell on earth but at least it’s not Belgium. Do you know they let women go to school there, and it’s illegal to stone a fag to death in the street? WTF?”
Relax, don’t do it—
Inspired by President Jacob Zuma’s public announcement of his HIV-test results, opposition leader Helen Zille has announced the results of her latest white rage test. Addressing the media from the memorial vomitorium in the Democratic Alliance’s Cape Town offices this morning, Zille said that the number of white rage cells in her blood were at their lowest in years. She attributed her low rage to exercise, a healthy diet, and administering regular spankings to her aides.
Ubuntu bashing
Transport Minister Jeff Radebe has called on citizens to be more considerate on the roads, saying that this is a nation that prides itself on humaneness and ubuntu. Asked which nation he was living in, he looked alarmed and asked, “Isn’t this Sweden?” He was then heard to say, “I think I’ve made a terrible mistake,” before backing out of the press conference.