The unmasking of two fake lesbian bloggers has shown that heterosexual men are deeply fascinated and wildly confused by gay women. They need a man’s guide to being a lesbian
Straight men have long had a fascination with lesbianism. Tap the word into Google and you can see the range of porn available, from “Naughty girls sharing their Huge Toy”, to “Vicky and Nea need no men”. I have lost count of the number of times men have asked me what I “do in bed”. They can’t imagine sex without a penis being around somewhere, which is presumably why so many lesbian-fanciers offer to help out in the bedroom.
Once, on my way home from a party with a girlfriend, I was asked by a passing motorist if we would consider putting on a sex show for him in the back of his car while he watched. Our state of inebriation was such that all he would have got for his money was a bit of snoring possibly interrupted by puking, so we declined out of courtesy.
Male fascination with things Sapphic is usually born out of total indignation that we do not desire the male form. They are genuinely shocked that women can have fun together when we, as one charmer once said to me, “have no genitals”. I still laugh at the memory of a lesbian comedian saying during a gig: “It’s not that we dislike penises, we just don’t like them on men.”
I have been told that I am a lesbian because I have yet to find the right man. If finding the right man was a prerequisite of heterosexuality, we would soon be extinct.
But things seem to have got out of control lately with mens’ obsession with lezzerism. First the blog supposedly written by a lesbian from Damascus was found to have been written by a man living in Scotland, and then it turns out that Paula Brooks, the editor of the lesbian news website LezGetReal, is a retired Ohio military man and construction worker. What is going on? Do we not have enough lesbian writers without having to make them up? Do I need to churn out more diatribes?
Being an out and proud lesbian with a public profile, I often get slated by men who take umbrage that I am not exactly their type for a sexual fantasy (the male version is either a woman so butch she could kick-start her own vibrator, or a Katie Price-type with extra large boobs, three-foot-long tongue and additional fingers). One accused me on his blog of “lezzering on again” after hearing me on Radio 4. I was surprised because the item he was referring to was about the cost of car insurance for women.
Another Guardian writer, Cath Elliott, is often assumed to be a lesbian by men who take offence at her dislike of rapists and sex murderers. She once got so tired of comments posted on her blog asking her about her short hair and lack of makeup that she told them we both run a lesbian militia training school in the countryside for straight women.
Julie Bindel’s guide to lesbian life
Men make bad lesbians, but with some effort they could be more convincing. Who better to run a lesbian school than me? I have 34 years’ experience and have never wavered or lost interest in the topic. Let’s start with the basics:
- Do not bring flowers On your first date: bring your toothbrush and your cat.
- Immediately become a vegetarian and move to Hebden Bridge or Brighton.
- Learn to love dancing out of time to I Will Survive, Free Nelson Mandela and I Am What I Am.
- Buy a turkey baster. Do not use for basting turkey.
- Go to Ikea and Homebase every weekend with your girlfriend, where you will bump into numerous other lesbian couples. Argue in public but come home with drill bits and a self-assembly wardrobe.
- Fill wardrobe with the following: matching kagouls; Fred Perry shirts; ill-fitting jeans; Dr Martens shoes; rock-climbing gear; track suits.
- Have your hair cut short, and fashion a parting you could drive a Ford Cortina (a car often driven by your “classic” lesbian) down. This is an important lesbian signifier.
- Acquire a selection of boxsets to watch while snuggled up in the evening, such as Prisoner Cell Block H, Bad Girls, The L Word, and Lip Service. Pour scorn over The Killing of Sister George, Notes on a Scandal and The Kids Are All Right (because Julianne Moore — who you must fancy, by the way — slept with a man). Do not display copies of Sapphic Hotties 2 or Stunning Beauties in the Pool of Lesbian Lust.
- Fancy Jodie Foster and Sigourney Weaver. Drool over Mary Portas and pretend you are friends with Sue Perkins.
- Read Val McDermid, Stella Duffy and Sarah Waters. Display an original copy of The Well of Loneliness on your shelf, below a painting of Frida Kahlo.
- Go to salsa or line-dancing classes.
- Learn Spanish but take your holidays on Lesbos or in Hebden Bridge, where you will see half of north London.
- Don’t say: “Who wants to be the man tonight?”
– guardian.co.uk