Gone are the days when women were expected to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. In today’s world women compete with men for high-profile positions while trying to be Âsupermoms.
When you consider the amount of time a career demands, how do working mothers spend “quality time” with their children? How important is quality time?
According to Shereen Dendar, educational specialist and Demartini-trained life coach, “spending quality time with your kids is phenomenal. As the caregiver and primary educator, a mother’s responsibility is huge because her children are what make up the family, the community and the nation.”
Clinical psychologist Leigh-Anne Routledge describes “quality time” as being “emotionally available, where the relationship is given priority over all other things so that the child is able to take the time to fully express him or herself without being rushed or having distractions, and in this way end up being fully heard”.
Quality time does not necessarily mean just listening to your children or reading to them, but rather listening to what they are saying and doing behind their words and actions, says Dendar.
The guilt trip
One of the main challenges most working mothers face is feeling guilty about going to work and not spending enough time with their children.
Dendar believes that a mother “should not have to deal with the guilt that comes with balancing motherhood and a career if she knows her goals and intentions. A working mother is as good as a stay-at-home mother, provided she dedicates time to both, and that is a simple case of time management.”
Having a high-profile job usually means having to be away from your children for extended periods of time. For this reason many women are forced to leave their children in the care of helpers, family or crèches when they go to work.
According to Cristine Scolari, clinical psychologist and owner of the Sandton Psychology Centre, “a care-giver or relative who is emotionally aware and in touch could meet some of the children’s emotional needs”.
Nannies and grannies
Routledge believes nannies and grannies play a huge role in the life of a child for guidance and emotional support, but discipline and the setting of boundaries are usually done by the parents.
“It is the setting of these boundaries and discipline that add to the child’s sense of security and love. They learn that being firm does not mean being mean — it just shows that someone cares enough for you to tell you right from wrong.”
It is therefore important that working parents set definite boundaries in the time they spend with their children. “Children need to grow up with love and nurturing and with boundaries that make their world secure and make them functional human beings,” says Scolari.
But she does believe that “parents should not rely entirely on caregivers and relatives to meet children’s emotional needs, as the absence of a parent could result in a sense of loss and abandonment in the child”.
“Research shows that children need a secure attachment with a significant person. Absent parents, even if they can’t help it, can cause numerous problems,” says Scolari.
She believes these children could grow up feeling isolated, “unloved”, have low self-esteem and may be unable to maintain relationships.
Routledge is in agreement. “The lack of a physical presence of a parent means that there is nobody to guide the child when he or she has difficult choices to make. If a child constantly feels there is no parental figure to look to for guidance then perhaps he or she could be led astray by the wrong types of role models.
Quality time
Scolari believes spending quality time with a child from a young age allows for a strong bond to develop between mother and child, something that can develop only over time. Having a good bond with your child opens up lines of communication, ensuring that any problem can and will be resolved.
Juggling motherhood and a career need not be challenging if “each individual figures out what her harmony is going to be between balancing work, ‘me time’ and family time”, she says.
Prioritisation is also important, says Dendar. “We should find out what is important to us by looking at the seven areas of our lives — namely mental, spiritual, familial, vocational, physical, financial and social” — and our values.
“In the wise words of Dr John Demartini: ‘The quality of your life depends on the quality of questions you ask yourself.’ If you know yourself, you will know what is important to you and others.”
Make time for quality time
Feel as though there are not enough hours in the day?
Leigh-Anne Routledge, Cristine Scolari and Shereen Dendar
provide some tips for working moms:
- As little as 10 to 15 minutes a day of quality time with your child can make all the difference, provided that this time is free of all distractions, such as cellphones and computers, so that you are truly available to the child in this time.
- Working mothers should not compensate for time not spent with their kids by buying expensive toys or ignoring bad behaviour. It is crucial for mothers to be an example to their children so that they develop proper behaviour, manners and values. Children hold these with them throughout their lives.
- Listen to your children and try to become aware of what makes them feel loved and special. Invest some time in doing those things.
- Mothers could dedicate a special weekend to their children once a month. In this way the children will understand that even though mom may not always be with them, there can still be a time reserved especially for the family. This is something that many stay-at-home mothers do not do because they are with their children all the time.