THE FIFTH COLUMN
‘Good evening, Mrs Tshabalala! How lovely to see you. I’m Mr Hotshot CEO™ and, as you know, I’m here for the CEO SleepOut™.
“Now, in case you didn’t see the publicity material, I’ll repeat that on this night, in the Winter Season of Giving™, we chief executives of top companies spend a night among the poorest of the poor.
“It’s organised by a brilliant marketing group, The Philanthropic Collection™, whose aim is — and I quote — ‘to create conscious capital’. Isn’t that wonderful? I’m sure you appreciate what a great initiative this is, and that you’re deeply grateful that, for my night out, we’ve chosen your lovely little, er, cottage here in Diepsloot.
“I’m looking forward to snuggling up here for a few hours. It’s so nice of you to give up your bed for me! You’ll sleep on the floor in the kitchen, with your four kids and two grandchildren? My sympathies.
“Oh, never mind, my bodyguards can sleep in the Range Rover™.
“Luckily, as you say, your husband is an alcoholic who left you a few years ago, so the space problem isn’t too bad. You say he’s in jail for carjacking? Well, we can all be proud that our criminal justice system is working as it should. Just think: if we could jail all the lower-class criminals in South Africa, we’d have solved the housing crisis overnight!
“Ha ha, that’s a bit of a joke. You know how we conscious capitalists™ like to make a little joke now and then! It lightens the mood, doesn’t it? A little laugh makes it that much easier to bear the pain of the constant struggle to survive, right?
“I’m sure that, stuck as you are here in this er, developmental area, you appreciate a few humorous words, especially when they come from someone as rich and powerful as a Hotshot CEO™ like me!
“You know, Mrs Tshabalala, I feel we CEOs have a lot of comfort to give the poor and unemployed. We can explain the links between government’s mismanagement of the economy and the lack of investment by big, powerful capitalists like me.
“I think that if you’re given a proper explanation, you’ll be satisfied that we, the conscious capitalists™, have done all we can for you, and if there’s still a gap, it’s all the government’s fault.
“But let’s not talk about that tonight. We won’t talk about anything depressing, don’t worry. We want this to be a cheerful, uplifting occasion. Yes, it’s only one night, but I’m sure one night of uplift will stand you in good stead the rest of the year.
“Right, well, goodnight then. I know you have to get up very early to take an hour’s taxi ride to your very badly paid casual job. So sleep well, then, Mrs Tshabalala, and the same to your six dependents.
“Oh, and do please use these free earplugs. I snore.”