Ham, polony and the whole bang(er) shoot




“Has anyone noticed Polony acting strange of late?” asks Lettuce.

“I know, right,” says Cottage Cheese. “He hasn’t been himself. What’s his sell-by date?”

“What’s all this?” asks Milk.

“Oh, hi Milk,” says Cottage Cheese. “We’re just wondering what’s up with Polony.”

“Let’s ask Mayo,” says Milk. “They go out together every day.”

“Psst, hey Mayo,” Milk calls in Mayo’s direction. “Do you know what’s up with Polony?”

“No, no, no, zat is not fair,” answers Mayo. “Jus because I am French I should know what is the matter with Poh-loh-knee?”

“I know what his problem is,” says Chutney. “He’s, like, processed. The fridge has rejected him. This is an organic fridge.”

“Shut up Chutney,” says Lettuce. “You’re not organic either.”

“You shut up,” says Chutney. “I am so organic.”

“Here he comes,” says Milk.

“Hi Polony,” says Cottage Cheese. “How are you feeling today?”

“I’m okay,” says Polony.

“I don’t think that you are,” says Fish Paste. “I heard polonies are disappearing all over. It’s a genocide; ethnic cleansing if I ever saw it. Polonies, viennas, frankfurters. If you’re cold meat, buddy, you’re toast,”

“What?” says Polony.

“I’m not kidding,” says Fish Paste. “They’re stuffing polonies into plastic bags, no questions asked, carting them off to I don’t know where. It’s all over the news.”

“What are we going to do?” asks Cottage Cheese.

“We don’t have to do anything,” says Chutney. “It’s every polony for himself.”

“What?” exclaims Polony.

“That’s cold, Chutney,” says Lettuce. “I say we protect Polony.”

“Wait,” says Fish Paste. “Where are you from, Polony?”

“Me? My whole family is Germiston polony. We very good polony,” says Polony.

“Ouch,” says Fish Paste. “Germiston polony is not good polony, I’m afraid. Not good at all. They’re coming for you.”

“If Polony has to go, Woolworths Smoked Ham must go also,” announces Milk.

“Really, Milk? Really?” says Woolworths Smoked Ham. “I was prepared in a separate facility. I’m literally a different cut than your polony over there. We don’t even look alike.”

“That’s racist,” says Cottage Cheese. “You can be such a racist sometimes, Woolworths Smoked Ham, you know that?”

“I’m not a racist,” says Woolworths Smoked Ham. “I’m a realist. And from Cape Town. You cannot possibly put me in the same category as a Germiston polony. I’m staying right here.”

“Everybody shut up,” shouts Milk. “Hear that?” “The door!” screams Lettuce. “It’s opening!”

“Take cover!” screams Milk.

“I’m lifting,” says Polony. “It got me. It got me! Nooooooo.”

“Lettuce, take my hand,” says Woolworths Smoked Ham.

“You’re too fat,” says Lettuce.

“Lettuce?” cries Woolworths Smoked Ham. “Lettuce! Heeeelp.”

JS Smit

JS Smit

JS Smit is a Cape Town-based freelance writer. Formally trained as a copywriter, he took a break from ads in 2010 to write a blog for the Mail & Guardian's Thought Leader and since 2015 has written for the Mail & Guardian. Read more from JS Smit

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