Telford Vice

The Australian has outrageous talent with a racquet, although his tongue and antics steal the show more often than his talent

The English are celebrating England’s recent domination of the European league competitions, but how ‘English’ are their top clubs?

What to get for the billionaire football club owner who has everything? A coach who has won almost nothing.

Imagine the calm that hovers in the half-light before Muhsin Ertugral's alarm clock heralds the start of another day of madness.

According to Ali Bacher, his only job as South Africa's captain was to win the toss. That done, his team duly whipped the opposition.

Had Makhaya Ntini strode the civilised streets of Florence and Venice a century or five ago, Michelangelo might have chosen to chisel flared nostrils.

Could it be that even at Lord's tradition counts for zilch? Indeed, it could, as Graeme Smith and his men found in the first Test against England.

With bearded behemoth Louis Moolman at lock, knuckle-dusters made flesh like Thys Lourens on the flank, Bugs Bunny's lovechild Naas Botha at flyhalf and the effortless class of Johan Heunis at fullback, who was going to tell the Bulls they were getting it wrong? Not while the Currie Cup titles mounted up.

Ah, Lord's, that oasis of tradition in a world given over to instant, facile gratification of every which flavour. Yes, dear Lord's, where time doesn't dare move forward one tick unless; where the ungodly clatter of a woman's heels marching to the beat of progress on the pavilion's creaking floorboards causes collars and sphincters to tighten in unison.

Who do Andre Nel's supporters think he is? A better bowler than Charl Langeveldt, or perhaps in some other way superior? Or are they labouring under the falsehood that Nel is an Englishman, an Australian or a Sri Lankan, or a citizen of some other country whose cricket authorities have not committed themselves to racial transformation?

South Africa fast bowler Charl Langeveldt withdrew on Tuesday from next month's tour to India after his selection had caused controversy. Langeveldt, who is black, was included in the squad earlier this month ahead of the white Andre Nel in accordance with Cricket South Africa's racial transformation policy.

Dale Steyn used to be a well-scrubbed bloke who wore a goofy grin that wobbled harmlessly under starry, starry eyes. He was polite and cheerful, and he could bowl a bit. He probably never said ''Well, golly gee.'' But if he did, we would have chuckled heartily and ruffled his hair as if the lot of us were in a Spur commercial.