South Africa welcomes all distinguished travellers with diplomatic immunity.
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Colonisers. Aliens. Invasive. Cause damage. Threaten. The language of xenophobia is also applied to plants.
I would like to point out that it’s important not to cut corners when you clean your house of Parliament.
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"Angie coughed out a cloud of café latte laced with brandy. “Urggghh,” she said. “The Guptas aren’t Finanzkapital."
A man’s world is a dull dimension filled with wild assumptions and deep insecurity
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" It is our duty to deal with today’s realities: to fix our helmets atop our security suits and head out into the nuclear winter"
"The tooth fairy was a mistake. We realise that now. We’ve placed the idea under review and fired the numbskull who came up with it."
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"So they stood her up. They stood up the public protector!"
"I regretted not spending extra cash on noise-cancelling headphones that promised choice with the proposition ‘what you hear is up to you’"
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"I’m not sure if that’s heteronormative. Perhaps a heteronorm could enlighten me?"
"’Ajay, hi. It is me JZ. I have received the seven hundred [static noise] seven hundred — listen properly — and sixty-nine thousand, [static noise]’"
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"I’d go so far as to say they’ve struck contaminated gold. I can smell an open tap a mile away"
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Dear Arts and Culture, Let me start by commending you for choosing Archbishop Desmond Tutu as the subject of your latest mural on the eastern façade of Cape Town’s civic centre. I must, however, question the timing of the project. The artwork shrouds my department in complete darkness with a devastating effect on plant life […]
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Put a whole lot of letters of the alphabet into a darkened room and somehow induce them to copulate in unusual forms or reconnect themselves virally.
I think it’s fair to say that President Jacob Zuma has given notice and is exhibiting all the characteristics of an employee seeing out his notice period. There is a lack of enthusiasm and the notion that it is now okay to steal staplers and state money. The laziest worker in all of the land […]
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“Oh, never mind, my bodyguards can sleep in the Range Rover™."
I looked at the clock, which said 1am. I was exactly five hours older from when the ordeal started.
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My modus operandi these days is to sit still and let corruption take its course; to accept my fate at the hands of a dysfunctional government.
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"The venue is an expansion of the Saxonwold Shebeen, now so big there are rumours it will be renamed the Sahara Dome."
"I told her not to trust the opinions of people named after deodorants"
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The water tables must surely turn because the tables always turn when the chips are down.
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JS Smit breaks down media comparisons between SA President Jacob Zuma and US President Donald Trump when it comes to telling lies.
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The Fifth Column is written by JS Smit this week
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Shaun de Waal ponders the provenance of the magician’s vocabularly.
What the hell happened? How did we go from hope to hate? Where did all the grown-ups go? Is this really the end?
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To avoid naming streets after rat infestations, the alleys were rather known for the animals that hunted the vermin.
"That was a made-up story. Keep up."
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A look-out post on the highway going north out of Johannesburg, and named “Shut up, Pretoria” – wouldn’t that be nice?
What someone should be telling leaders right now is that being a megalomaniac doesn’t automatically make you a leader.
No 1 must be relishing the undoing of the ICC. He can drop Sudan’s Omar al-Bashir off at OR Tambo and not sneak him into a military air base.
If you need help dealing with narcissists, there’s a book that can help
The SABC is looking for a new group chief executive and one of their responsibilities will be overseeing Motsoeneng.
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