Centred: Nomfundo Mogapi takes a mental wellness approach to her work in policy and programming on issues such as justice, governance, development and democracy. (Paul Botes/M&G)
After more than two decades of working with wounded and traumatised leaders, psychologist Nomfundo Mogapi established the Centre for Mental Wellness and Leadership. She speaks to Elna Schütz about how she is an introvert but has found ways to be in a busy world
What do you think people don’t know about you?
I grew up being a very shy child. I kept to myself most of the time. I never used to understand, because we’d go out in large groups and my friends would come back energised, but I would come back feeling so tired. But I had to learn that that’s how we are as introverts. So, now I know. I tell people after big crowds that I need to rest; I’m not like other people. I have grown into it and I’m forced to be in the crowds, so most people just don’t know how shy I can be.
And I used to be an actress in high school. Most of the performers, you’d be surprised, are quite introverted. People have said that when you are on stage talking, you become a completely different person, but when you are sitting down there in the crowd, I just blend in.
The year when we didn’t go to school because there was a strike, and we couldn’t write [exams] I then used that time with some people in the small town of Virginia in the Free State.
We had this whole play called The Confused Family that we put on and people actually came and paid for it. So that was fascinating.
Your job is not the typical job for an introvert because you work with collectives and groups. What do you do to recharge?
The greatest gift for me was self-awareness and awakening to myself. Just to know what are the strengths and limitations of my personality type. I remember in 2008, when we had the xenophobic attacks, I just completely pulled back. I remember in the organisation, people misunderstood me to be cold and uncaring, but it was overwhelming, so I just automatically got into my shell.
I think the best gift was when I went to a life coach, and she really just helped me to understand who I am. She used the Enneagram [model] and my personality is a nine and by nature we tend to blend. Sometimes we’re scared of our power, scared of conflict. So, I really had to push myself to not operate from what I call the wounded side.
My mom is very busy. She always works and she rests when she sits down. My sister is the same. So, I used to feel guilty for resting because they were my role models, but I really had to shift and just learn that it’s okay that I’m not like them.
When I’m tired, I rest. I understand that resting is really critical for me. Now, during Covid-19, my daughter and I have discovered what we call ‘pyjama days’ and that just completely refreshes me.
Sunday afternoons are sacred. I don’t interact with anyone. Just knowing that there is that space to rest. So for me, resting is the critical component of who I am.
Another thing about my personality type is that we tend to disconnect from ourselves a lot. So, almost every morning I do a meditation where I really connect to myself and what matters to me. When I’m more connected to myself I’m much more effective.
What kind of activities bring you joy?
I mean, it almost sounds crazy, but I just like activities where I do nothing. Just sitting in my bed watching a movie next to my daughter. Just like being in a space where there are no expectations — I’m just being. That’s really what I like to do.
That’s why I don’t understand when people say they’re bored. I can never be bored when I’m with myself. Like never. I feel I don’t have enough time with my thoughts to process and think. So, just sitting bingeing on a Netflix series.
What do you watch and why?
Most of the time, I really like the South African ones. I think I’ve watched most of them. And I love the South African ones because I want to see myself in the face of people. Always when I’m watching a movie, for me, it’s also a learning. I always question, what are the characters that I’m really enjoying and why I’m enjoying them? It’s because there’s something about their storyline that speaks to my life and that “aha moment”.
So I really feel there aren’t sufficient stories that are told about us. We are constantly seeing other people in the faces of all the movies and the media. So, I search specially for South African or if it’s American, I like black American movies, because the storylines really speak to the reality of some of us.
How do you think your family and friends would describe you?
In the Enneagram that we spoke about, it sees me as the peacemaker, but there is also the challenger personality type, which is the eight. And so when they were younger, my kids used to say “‘no, you are an age definitely an eight!” So, I guess my kids just see me as somebody who at home likes to take charge and control.
I think they wouldn’t see the shyness. I think my kids would actually be shocked that I think I’m shy.
I’ve been told I’m stubborn. That was a big awakening, because I identified myself more as growing up as this good kid. But it’s true; I had to accept that. Usually when I believe that something is right or when I’m passionate about something my approach is: I don’t disturb you, I’m a peaceful person, so don’t you come and disturb me.
Whatever decisions I make, they’re really guided by my principles, so it becomes difficult to move me away from that.
I still think of myself as shy. Maybe it’s not even shy. I do push myself because I’m passionate about what I do, but I don’t like being in the spotlight. You know, I’m comfortable to blend. I don’t like to put up out there, it just feels uncomfortable.
I understand it’s just who I am and what I’m made of.
The biggest learning for me was to step into my power. I grew up really being just scared of my power. Not seeing it, but also growing up giving it to other people. I trust people, I like people, people feel I like them around, but my greatest work has just been to take my power and create boundaries with people.
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