Indefatigable: Former president Jacob Zuma seems to be hoping for a defeat of his adversaries in the party he may or may not still be a part of.
Steadying himself for a stronger comeback than a Chinese boy growing up to avenge his father’s death, former president Jacob Zuma looks set to launch his final challenge on the cupcake-in-chief, Cyril Ramaphosa.
In the week when Mr Nine Wasted Years was suspended from the ANC after opening his new spaza shop, uMkhonto weSizwe (the MK party), to challenge his alleged political home at this year’s provincial and national elections, the Nkandla native dug his heels in.
His spokesperson asserted that Zuma was still a member of the governing party.
“We have seen social media reports of him being suspended but, at this stage, he remains a member of the ANC, as he stated previously,” said MK party spokesperson Nhlamulo Ndhlela this week, stressing Zuma was in a furious fight to the finish.
Ndhlela was responding to ANC secretary general Fikile Mbalula’s announcement that the party had stopped treating its former leader with kid gloves.
“When you deal with an erratic member, you can’t think about the person’s gratification.
“It’s no longer about Zuma but the ANC,” Mbalula said.
The moniker of Nine Wasted Years was affectionately bestowed on the former president by his now-estranged comrades in the ANC, led by Ramaphosa, who accused Zuma of failing to impress during his fanatical 2009 to 2018 tenure as South Africa’s first citizen.
It becomes clear that the singing sensation that is Zuma wants one final fight with the fumbling Ramaphosa, who fervently vanquished his predecessor at two successive ANC conferences — in 2017, when Zuma’s party presidential term ended, and in 2022 — to elect the party’s leaders.
At the first party elective gathering, Ramaphosa decisively destroyed former African Union chairperson Nkosazana Dlamini Zuma, a current cabinet minister who was her ex-husband’s preferred candidate to succeed him, with the determination of Jackie Chan scything through a gauntlet of triad goons.
Five years later, Zuma threw his lot in with former health minister Zweli “Dr Evil” Mkhize, who was also bulldozed into submission by Buffalo Bill Ramaphosa — a known connoisseur of horned oxen.
Clearing his notoriously scratchy throat, Zuma followed the famed adage that if you want something done right, do it yourself, stretching his creaky 81-year-old bones like Jean-Claude van Damme doing the splits for one last joust with Ramaphosa — this time on the electoral ballot battlefield.
At first, Zuma tried to Mr Miyagi his Ramaphosa obsession by grooming the fruit of his loins, Duduzane “Karate Kid” Zuma, to wax off his known nemesis from the political platform. But Zuma junior seems to have turned on his father faster than Jet Li’s spinning back kick, telling radio station Metro FM this week that Zuma senior was “one hundred percent” part of the government and the ANC’s failures over the years.
“He [Zuma] is the former president of this country.
“There were some great milestones,” the son of the soil said.
He then landed the killer blow: “It’s clear some of the things aren’t working. He has been part of it — one hundred percent.”
One might have thought that Duduzane’s twin sister Duduzile — who has carved a niche for herself by beginning every word she writes on social media with a capital letter in a disastrous display of grammar — would be her father’s Cynthia Rothrock, ready to rumble with Ramaphosa.
But Duduzile — South Africa’s own Ivanka Trump, sticking by her father like Ivanka did with former US president Donald Trump — seems to be a tad too unrefined for Daddy dearest to entrust her with the dethroning of Ramaphosa.
So, realistically, how does Zuma plan to achieve what seems like a task of Everest proportions?
Well, first, Zuma — whose die-hard status would put Bruce Willis to shame after miraculously recovering from a still-to-be-named life-threatening disease — has launched the sequel of his uMshini Wam battle song that (in)famously carried him from the courtroom to the Union Buildings as a war cry for his legions of supporters.
Whether this tried tactic will be sufficient to remove Ramaphosa will only emerge after the last vote is tallied later in the year.
What I know is that Zuma will do his best Kung Fu Panda routine in hopes that it will be third time lucky at attempting to defeat his dogged adversary.