Yo, Babe! Bafana Khumalo welcomes Queen Elizabeth with some helpful advice for her visit to South Africa. He will be following the royal entourage throughout their
I sure hope you had a cool trip and and you were chillin’ in your set of water wheels. I am certain that you are going to have a whale of a time in my country.
I will be waiting for you when you arrive in Cape Town next week — I’ll be the handsome black man in a bowler hat and a broad smile. I have to warn you about this coastal town and its inhabitants though. The natives are a bit hostile to foreigners and they might tell you to go home as soon as you arrive.
Don’t pay any attention to them as they know no better. After all, they have Hernus Kriel as a premier. Despite this, you may soon grow on them, like a fungus.
When you go to parliament I unfortunately will not be around to translate your speech into our 11 official languages. We’re very democratic here.
The reason is I will have run ahead to prepare for your glorious arrival at New Brighton township — the darker part of Port Elizabeth. This being a township there is no telling what might happen to your handbag and your white gloves. I will be waiting, having taught the native children how to sing “God save da Queen”. Those darkies hate honkey shit like bowler hats so I will be wearing an Afro shirt or something equally ethnoglamorous. Wear dark glasses for that occasion. Those shirts can be bright, mom, and I would not want you to hurt your eyes.
I hope you are going to get some time to rest a bit as there are a lot of corny touristy things they are going to try to get you to do, like visiting holes in
At least you will be visiting Gauteng — don’t try saying it, you might hurt your throat. All Anglo honkies seem to gag on the word anyway.
The highlight of your trip here will undoubtedly be a visit to my home town, Soweto. Now that’s a place to see even though you will be visiting a cemetery. I wonder what fun you have in visiting a place with a number of dead Sowetans? I would have imagined that at this point of your journey a quick spin to a shebeen would have been in order. There are some mean mommas who can mix a pretty mean glass of G&T.
So much for that, but I hope you have a good time opening a Landrover plant in Pretoria. You’ll meet a lot of yuppie scum who will share their designer adventures and pleasures of off-road driving with you.
I suppose Pretoria will not be such a bad deal compared to your final stop in Durban. The Zulus have a bit of a Royal opera unfolding and you might have to offer your shoulder as a weeping post to your Zulu counterpart. Bring lots of Kleenex.
Take care, babe.
Your main adopted man-child