It’s bonus time and the best place to put your cheque is in the bank. However, there are some romantic alternatives, writes Belinda Beresford
Christmas is coming, and the credit card companies are getting fat, so please put your bonus into the bank.
The sensible thing to do with your Christmas bonus is pay off your debts, or use it to reduce your housing loan. A cynic – or a realist – might suggest most South Africans getting a bonus this year are likely to have spent it by the time it arrives in their debt- laden bank account.
So, for those people looking at unusual ways of pre-spending their end of year windfall, the Mail & Guardian decided to look at the costs involved in sending your true love the requisite gifts on all 12 days of Christmas, adding the occasional up-to-date alternative on the old song.
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
A partridge in a pear tree
Like all debt-traps, the costs start off fairly small. A partridge in a pear tree would set you back a few hundred rand. Keith Kirsten’s will sell a small pear tree for R18,95, while the partridge itself would be around R300 from avian traders Birdbrains.
Two Turtle doves, three french hens
The same company will sell you a pair of turtle doves for R40. French hens – better known locally as guinea fowl — can be expensive and difficult to find. They range in price from about R20 for a normal common-or-garden bird, up to R3 500 for the most exotic variety. An ordinary live hen, ready to lay, costs about R22. Alternatively, a whole chicken from the ubiquitous Nando’s chain is R34,95.
Four calling birds
Calling birds are rather hard to identify. Johannesburg pet store Animal Instinct will sell you a scarlet macaw – they promise it’ll “talk, sing, call, you name it” – for around R8 000. An alternative pandering to a South African addiction would be a new cellphone. The latest “beam me up Scotty” Motorola Startac 130 retails for around R5 550 without a contract.
Five gold rings
For all five gold rings you’d be looking at about R1 000. Independent Johannesburg jeweller Mark Whitehorn will sell a plain nine carat gold band for around R200. Prices at jewellers Charles Greig start at R390 for a fine 18 carat wedding ring.
Alternative rings are the Olympic ones: the attempt to bring the games to Cape Town cost about R95-million. Considering the latest allegations about corruption in the International Olympic Committee, perhaps the money went to the wrong people.
Six geese a-laying
Six geese for Christmas dinner would cost R39,99 per kilogram at exclusive supermarket Thrupps, but if you’re prepared to do the killing yourself a live goose is around R25. If you fancy snuggling up to your true love, a goose- down duvet (double) at Stuttafords would set you back R1 235.
Seven swans a-swimming
Swans come in a number of varieties ranging from about R3 000 for a pair of black swans to R12 500 for a pair of trumpeters. Given that swans mate for life and are sold in pairs, you could take number eight for dinner.
Eight maids a-milking
Economy comes in with the eight maids a-milking. A farmworker in the Nelspruit area earns around R10 a day, while in Johannesburg you can get a maid from an agency for R55 a day plus R12 travelling costs.
Nine ladies dancing
Since sexism rules in the sex industry, nine female strippers dancing would probably cost you less than nine males. However, a trip to up-market brothel The Ranch will set you back R200 for the entrance fee and another R350 to R450 for a strip show.
If your tastes are more highbrow, a trip to the ballet is cheaper. Seeing Pact’s Papillon will cost between R20 and R110. Alternatively, you can trip the light fantastic yourself. Fees for a degree at the University of Cape Town School of Dance cost about R8 000 in the last academic year.
Ten lords a-leaping
Although South Africa is blighted by English aristocratic riff-raff, 10 lords a-leaping may be a trifle difficult to find. However, if Michael Flatley and folk-dancing is your style, the Lord of the Dance video will set you back around R115 from Look & Listen. Or you could go for more alternative fare. Male strippers come in a range of prices, depending on what they show.
According to one expert “the more they cost the less they show”. But Rockafella’s nightclub says the prices for a male stripper would start at around R400 – if he kept his G-string on or about R600 for the full Monty. If you want a booking of 10, it would be more economical to arrange for a troupe of leaping males such as the Cover Boys, who cost between R2 000 and R3 500.
Eleven pipers piping
Eleven bagpipers would really get the neighbourhood dogs howling. A set of bagpipes would set you back between R2 500 and R20 000 from Dunvegan Pipes and Tartans in Johannesburg. Alternatively you can hire a piper. Prices vary but piper Craig Herwill charges R350. For that he’ll play seven to 10 minute sets – the longest time most people can stand.
A more considerate set of pipes for your neighbours would be the Meerschaum kind, currently retailing at about R389 from Wesley’s tobacconists. If you feel like paying for a status symbol you can pay R4 000 for a Dunhill pipe.
Twelve drummers drumming
And finally, the 12 drummers. A drummer would cost between R500 and R1 000 for an evening. But if that childish desire to make loud noises is still strong, you can hammer away to your heart’s content at the Drum Caf. The entrance fee is R20 with another R10 to hire a djbmbe drum. If you’re inspired by the experience you could buy a drum – prices range from R400 to about R3 000.