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The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining is due to the North Pole’s loss of dominance of the season’s gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa’s market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit margins.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph’s role will not be disturbed.
Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph’s nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph ”a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load” was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa’s helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under excessive stress.
As a further restructuring, today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economic measures are to take place in the ”Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and for how long.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go and an upgrading in the selection procedure will assure management that every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the compensation committee to suggest replacing this group with 10 out-of-work congressmen. The savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen.
Eleven pipers piping and 12 drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet and a cutback on new music will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over 12 days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will improve.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (”13 lawyers- a-suing”), action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinise the Snow White Division to see if seven is a necessary appropriation of dwarfs.