Peter Canavan, a cynical observer of the passing show, speculates on the president’s motives for South Africa’s newest tax
Memorandum 1
To: Think tank for suggestions on realisable redistribution of wealth (Sorrow)
From: Office of the President
Subject: Redistribution of wealth from white to black control
Date: October 11 2000
Suggestions are requested for new ideas on redistributing wealth from white to black control. Great care must be exercised so that the implementation of any suggestion does not offend or upset the sensibilities of the Western donor nations. Since the fall of communism, the financial support of these nations has become vital to the accumulation of wealth in black hands. We do not wish to find ourselves in the same position as that caused by “Bumbling Bob” in Zimbabwe. You are instructed to treat this communication as urgent and strictly confidential.
Memorandum 2
To: Office of the President
From: Think tank for suggestions on realisable redistribution of wealth (Sorrow)
Date: January 24 2001
RE: Redistribution of wealth from white to black control
Honourable Father of the Nation, with reference to your urgent memo dated October 11 2000, it gives your humble servant great pleasure to make the following recommendation: introduce Capital Gains Tax as soon as possible. Our rationale is given below. As you must know, Capital Gains Tax has lost favour with most governments around the world because it costs as much to administer the tax as can be collected. It is for this very reason that we advise its introduction.
The arguments for such a step are as follows:
The vast majority of persons who would be liable for such a tax would be white (for those few previously disadvantaged persons who would be affected, see below).
The creation of a large bureaucracy (which can be virtually entirely black and staffed overwhelmingly by African National Congress cadres — the old National Party did have some good ideas) to administer this tax means that the transfer of wealth is immediate and direct. As this tax has been used in most Western donor countries at one time or another, it can be claimed as a normal part of the fiscus with no detrimental effects on our relations with such countries.
As far as those few previously disadvantaged persons who would be affected are concerned, the following would apply: those who are not members of the ANC can be ignored as they are sell-outs anyway and this tax gives us a perfectly legitimate method of punishing them for not voting for the ANC in the last elections, and those who are cadres of the ANC can be recompensed in any of the following manners:
- Appoint them as advisers to the many dysfunctional local government departments.
- Appoint them as members on commissions of enquiry (see note below).
- By using government leverage on commercial undertakings, have them appointed as non-executive directors, which allows the payment of high salaries for very little input. This is a particularly useful method as it allows us to have an oversight of the companies concerned at the same time.
We humbly submit that the above arguments present an overwhelming case for the introduction of Capital Gains Tax.
Enoch Wabenzi
Chair
Sorrow
Note 1: The committee will be available for further Sorrow on its return from vacation on June 1 2001.
Note 2: A comprehensive list of suggested commissions of inquiry suitable for all situations is available on request from the committee for the creation of really awesome profits (Crap).