SA Human Rights Commission
Dear Mr Pityana,
I hope yours is the correct agency to deal with my situation. Brenda and I have been married for some time now. And lately she has taken to violating my rights. The other day she deliberately poured hot tea into my lap. She has also tried to poison me by feeding me mini cheese rolls filled with dangerous chemicals. I have also been forced to wash my own clothes and make my own dinner from time to time … Brenda has also hidden my favourite stick. She will try to make out that I have used this stick on her in the past. It is a walking stick, and I frequently use it to point out objects of interest. If it has, on occasion, connected with a part of her body, then it is only because I have had to swiftly point to the clock to remind her that it is teatime. This never used to happen, and I fear that her peripheral vision is failing.
You will agree that my rights are clearly being abused, and I urgently seek your advice in this matter. Is there perhaps one or other United Nations list on which Brenda’s name (maiden, of course) could appear? Failing that, would you be able to inform her that her actions are being monitored by secret agents?
It would also not hurt to mention to her that various international conventions dealing with human rights focus specifically on the duties of a wife, particularly insofar as they relate to mealtimes and connubial responsibilities.
Let us get this matter sorted out before disaster strikes!