Sex sells, that’s what the planners told the Democratic Alliance before the party’s conference last weekend. At least, that’s what Oom Krisjan presumes the politicians were told – otherwise he’s at a bit of a loss to explain some of the shenanigans at the event.
Firstly, delegates were treated to the sight of DA leader Tony Leon pretending to be a township boykie as he bounded to the stage to the tune of Mandoza’s Nkalakatha. We suppose the African National Congress has got Brenda Fassie …
Leon’s deputy and party national chairperson Joe Seremane then really warmed up a cold and wet weekend by asking speakers to be brief. After stalwart Helen Suzman had done her bit rooting for Leon, Seremane called on Federal Alliance leader Lous Luyt for a ”quickie”, which startled the audience back to wakefulness. After Luyt’s brief briefs went on show, the controversial Gerald Morkel was also invited by Seremane to ”deliver a quickie”.
Whatever next… Marthinus sonder sy kortbroek?
Political science
Castro Hlongwane’s thinkpiece on Aids and HIV, which has caused some concern among those who believed the government was beginning to see the light on the problem, does contain some gems of wisdom.
Discussing disputes over the ”discovery” in the early 1980s of the virus that causes Aids, the document states:
”Ultimately, this controversy was resolved when the two scientists, together with United States President [Ronald] Reagan and French Premier [Jacques] Chirac signed an agreement in 1987, which proclaimed the two scientists as codiscoverers of HIV. Interestingly, nobody asked the question – what do the political signatories know about science!”
Lemmer can but agree – what do politicians know about science?
Living in the past (1)
Talk about a party that is out of step with the times. On a quick visit to the New National Party’s website recently, Oom Krisjan was intrigued to find a list of what Kortbroek’s team describe as ”political resources”. These include links to the usual suspects: the Reserve Bank, the International Monetary Fund, even other political parties such as the ANC and Inkatha Freedom Party. Curiously, though, there’s a link to an organisation called the South African Communication Service (SACS)- a government department, formerly known as the Bureau for Information, that was closed down almost four years ago and replaced by the Government Communication and Information System. Don’t try accessing the SACS website, though – the link from the Nats’ website will only give you an error mesage, not Eschel Rhoodie’s porn site.
Living in the past (2)
Equally up to date is the Department of Communications. Alongside the M1 South, near Gold Reef City in Johannesburg, is a huge billboard advertising the department’s November conference. November 2001, that is. Lemmer thought at first this might be just a slip-up, but a motorist who regularly uses that stretch of road assures me that it’s been there for five months. Maybe the department got a special six-month rate …
Bats about Cats
Times have been tough at Ellis Park since Big Lou stopped spreading his fertiliser wealth around. Jomo ”Lion” King is just not having that much success getting the crowds to watch rugby. But Lemmer – whose favourite team hails from north of the Jukskei – think the Golden Lions Rugby Union is really scratching the bottom of the kitty litter tray with its efforts to get people to this weekend’s match.
Eddie Eksteen, facial contortionist extraordinaire, will be teaching people how to sing ”Cats” supporter songs, ”so that we can get that singing culture back at our matches. Eddie Eksteen and the Bats will be doing a one-hour free music concert after the match, inside the stadium on our new stage under the big screen. Remember their one big hit Vat hom Dawie.” Ja, Lemmer remembers. It was from an era when Bulls were bulls and Lions were British.
Dial 419-SCAM
Over the past few years Lemmer has received dozens of versions of the Nigerian 419 scam (the one where you are promised millions in money hidden from some Third World government if you just hand over your millions first …) and generally he ignores them. But the conmen are raising the tone of their promises. This week an e-mail addressed to Oom Krisjan found its way to the Dorsbult Bar. It purported to be from ”Dr. Mrs. Marian Abacha, wife of the late Nigerian head of state, General Sani Abacha who died on the 8th of June 1998 while still on active service for our Country”.
The manne were very sorry to turn down such a damsel in distress, but we are still hunting down our share of the Kruger millions.
Con in the son
Some South African government officials were not so alive to a bunch of Nigerian con artists, however. Lemmer hears that someone recently called the government, claiming to be Nigerian leader Olegesun Obasanjo. The caller said his son would be coming to South Afica soon and asked our government to extend its hospitality to his boy.
Not wanting to offend an african head of state – and not bothering to check the call – the officials went out of their way to look after ”Obesanjo’s son” and his entourage when they arrived. Having lived the life of Riley for a couple of days, the Nigerians vanished. The officials panicked and phoned Lagos – only to be told that the real president’s son had been in Nigeria the whole week.
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