THE proposed renaming of Northern Province as Limpopo seems to have got the rightwingers of the verrenoord very hot under the collar. When Oom Krisjan received his copy of the Zoutpansberger of February 8, he was surprised to see the extent of the problem facing whites in that region. According to an advertisement for a strydraad (council of war) called by Herstigte Nasionale Party deputy leader Willie van der Grijp, the white man is being persecuted by the ruling communists, who will “teach your children to revolt against everything you believe in”. And, Van der Grijp gripes, more South African wives and daughters are raped by blacks than in Zimbabwe. Much more alarming, however, is the news that “land reform will lead to the redistribution of property that includes homes, motor vehicles, jewellery and fridges”. To be on the safe side, the manne at the Dorsbult Bar are stockpiling ice.
Polite president
Contrary to what the Herstigte Nasionale Party believes, Oom Krisjan knows the government is filled with very polite people. Take President Thabo Mbeki, for example. At the end of the SABC’s Newshour programme last Sunday, when viewers were told by one of the two anchors “Good Night, from the both of us”. With the cameras turning away but the microphones not yet switched off, the nation overheard the president asking: “Don’t you want to say good night from me, too?”
The high road
Talking about the president, his health and welfare is certainly foremost on everyone’s mind. The ministerial briefing in Parliament was interrupted by intelligence expert Lindiwe Sisulu who informed the assembled audience of a little accident.
In the end it all turned out to be a bumper-bashing in which the president’s Mercedes – reputedly especially built for him – was slightly damaged. The following sedan was not so lucky, with Mbeki’s two doctors slightly injured when their car ploughed into the leader’s Merc.
“The collision was of a minor nature and President Mbeki was not harmed,” a police statement later said. Cynics are now asking whether the presidential convoy, already quite a few cars long, will be expanded or whether we will now do as the Americans do ? clear the whole highway!
The low road
Jonathan Moyo, Uncle Bob’s information minister, doesn’t let the facts get in the way of a good tirade. In an address to the Zimbabwean Parliament, Moyo accused the South African media of deliberately misrepresenting affairs across the Limpopo. The manne admit President Mugabe has not been shown in a very good light recently, but they nearly choked on their Klipdrift to discover that “today the white press and even the national broadcaster in South Africa (SABC) is dominated by Rhodesian journalists, while a good number of those in charge in Britain and Australia are either Rhodesians or sympathetically covered the war of liberation from a Rhodesian perspective”. Oom Krisjan didn’t realise there was a when-we conspiracy running the world media. But then Moyo joined those living in the past by claiming Philip van Neekerk (sic) is still the editor of the Main and Guardian (sic).
Spammed
Sometime spam (junk e-mail) can really give the manne the shits, so it’s nice to see EasyInfo admit it can cause some irritation. When Oom Krisjan requested that his name be removed from their lists, he got the following reply from the marketing department: “I would like to inform you that your details have been deleted from the EasyInfo.co.za EasyPerson data base … We apologize for any incontinences caused.”
Evil buggers
Some unsolicited arrival in Oom Krisjan’s inbox are worth it, however. An e-mail doing the rounds this week: “Axis of evil bitter after being snubbed for membership in the ‘Axis of Evil’. Libya, China, and Syria have announced they have formed the ‘Axis of Just as Evil’, which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.
“Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.
“With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren’t the Worst But Certainly Won’t Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.”
It’s my party
In this first week of Parliament, the Democratic Party – oops Democratic Alliance – has taken exception to the variations of its name. Former deputy alliance leader Marthinus van Schalkwyk referred to the party as the DP/DA, other MPs and politicians kept on calling it the DP.
The DA felt it needed to correct any misunderstandings. “It would be appreciated if you would respect their wishes, and ours, and refer to us accordingly,” a statement said.
“The DA is the only name by which this party should be referred. The DP exists only as a technicality due to the Constitutional requirement of maintaining our representation in the National and Provincial Legislatures. Certainly, it will not be present on the ballot at the next general election.”
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