Cassandra Moodie
So there you are in the lift in Zone 1 of the World Summit with Mercedes Sayagues, who writes about how to get laid at conferences (“Laying it on the line”, Mail & Guardian, February 22), and you spot “the gypsy” first.
You need an opening line.
If you want to be boring, say “another talk shop, who needs it?”, or “if this summit does not focus on poverty, it will be a total failure”.
But it is much more sexy to convey a slightly cynical but obviously well-read profile by focusing on the specifics of any of the 40 chapters of Agenda 21 the agenda for the 21st century for the planet. This will generally be safe because nobody has read all the 300 pages.
However, some people coming to the summit have spent the past 10 years studying one or two chapters in depth. The following tips are designed to guide you past this one-in-40 risk.
Should he or she sport a red Che T-shirt, flirt with phrases from Section One. You could point out that population growth is hardly the issue when one American consumes the equivalent of 1 000 Indian villagers (adjust for ethnic sensitivies). If he or she frowns, follow it up with “what the advocates of lower consumption in the North (never call it the First World and be ready to blush when he refers to “the North in the South”) don’t realise is how it will affect Southern economies ” This will show familiarity with both chapters four and five.
If the North/South debate does it for you, open with chapter two, on trade: “It’s uncanny how you can find most of chapter two in the World Trade Organisation’s constitution.” You’ll either bowl him over or spend the whole night talking about the global political economy!
When you are ready to get dirty, linger on environmental health (chapter six): “You should spend a winter in Jo’burg, then you’ll smell the effects of South Africa’s cheap energy from dirty coal policy ” Or try the generally abominable state of cities around the world. They are simply not sustainable, are they? (chapter seven.)
“Green” types are arguably more fun, and they are found around Section Two.
For animal lovers and tree huggers, the chapter on biodiversity (15) is a pushover. But watch out, it does not mention that there is a plant with a cure for Aids on a small Pacific island that is slowly sinking into the sea. There is also no chapter on Small island states, although you can get around that one by loosely referring to “protecting the atmosphere” (chapter nine).
From this point you could expand on the concept of public goods. Try: “If air is treated as a public good and nations are penalised (say this word slowly for a subliminal side-effect) for polluting it, why not extend the concept to water, land and biodiversity?”
If you are feeling confident, insist that “hard law is what we need, not soft law”, which will probably allow you to move on to more earthy matters.
Chapter 14, called Sard (sustainable agriculture and rural development) by those who have put down deep roots there, is the one to go for if you feel like slipping out for an organically grown smoke in the open air. Chapter 14 goes on and on for ages; nobody can reasonably be expected to remember it all and it’s all sort-of obvious. (These are all things you can say).
If you like it cerebral, open with chapter 16, on biotechnology: “Isn’t it quaint how 10 years ago people were so nave about the dangers of Gee Em Ohs (genetically modified organisms). It should either be rewritten or just chucked out.”
Section Three deals with the major groups whose participation is needed for Agenda 21. Don’t use the word “indigenous” (chapter 26) on the first night with any South African. You could say: “Why does youth never include children’s rights?” (chapter 25), but this might remind him of loved ones back home.
If your taste is slightly Gothic, you could question why faith is not a major group. Is it because some United Nations official did not have the guts to include it, or because Agenda 21 is just too managerial?
Few people trawl around in Section Four the “means of implementation”. There is a good reason why. While it comes from the heart when you say, “Developed countries will never keep their 0,7% promise” (they promised to give 0,7% of gross domestic product as foreign aid), it is far too depressing. Also don’t say: “Why do the rich nations promise to transfer clean technology and then dump their dirty industries on us?” This will make you look stupid rather than charmingly nave.
For some tough nuts, Agenda 21 will be pass. They will only be interested in the frame conditions for a Global Deal, the three pillars of sustainable development, the millennium targets and the Johannesburg Plan of Action. Be warned. They will want a good night’s sleep, to get up early, sing in the shower and then slip out to catch the latest from the caucus.
Cassandra Moodie is the nom de plume of an activist on the fringe of the summit