Colin Montgomerie, innocent abroad, is convinced that the tide has been turned, that the tirade of foul-mouthed abuse that he so often suffers in the United States will cease this week. He believes that the US Open, at the Bethpage State Park course on Long Island, will see the creation of a new and more civilised society, at least as far as he is concerned.
The reason? The issuing of 25 000 badges, free to any spectator who wants one, by the US magazine Golf Digest that say simply: ”Be Nice To Monty”. Montgomerie himself is so sold on the idea that he has obtained 25, told his caddie Andy Prodger to wear one on either side of his cap, and distributed the remainder to family and friends.
It will mean, he hopes, an end to being called ”you fat bastard”; an end to being labelled ”Mrs Doubtfire” and a cessation of all references to the Ryder Cup and Europe’s loss in that competition last time.
Some hope. What he seems to have forgotten is that this is New York, a city that glories in having the rudest fans in world sport. This is the state that, the last time the US Open was held in it, needled Greg Norman so badly he went to the spectator who had dared to call him a choker, took him by the throat and almost lifted him off his feet.
There was not time to continue there and then, but the spectator wisely did not accept an offer to see Norman in the car park afterwards.
A columnist on Newsday, Johnette Howard, summed up the chances of a simple badge having any positive effect. ”Poor Monty,” she sighed, ”poor, poor Monty.” She went on: ”You want to shake Montgomerie by the shoulders and shout ‘You poor delusional lamb. Wake up.’ A New York sports fan,” she added, ”will boo his own mother if she burns the breakfast toast.”
There are already signs that there will be a ”button backlash”. One fan with the badge pinned to his shirt found the catcalls being directed at him for having the temerity to wear the badge in the first place.
But if Monty finds he has got problems, what about poor old Tiger? It seems Woods has no chance this week; nought, zero, zilch.
The authorities for this are none other than the president of the Organisation for Professional Astrology, Arlan Wise, who is backed up by The Amazing Kreskin, a ”Las Vegas mentalist and thought reader”.
What they are saying, in USA Today, is that though Woods may be a preternaturally good golfer, he cannot combat the supernatural. This is quite something to assert, given that if Woods did manage to win this week he would be halfway to a grand slam.