You can usually tell when a woman has been physically abused. The bruises are all too visible. But emotional abuse is harder to detect. Its wounds are well-hidden inside an often-broken and embittered heart.
Victims of emotional abuse go largely unnoticed, with no obvious tell-tale signs to alert the outside world. It’s harder to find a champion to raise awareness of their plight.
Enter Elizabeth Ngwenyama, a successful building contractor who managed to break free from years of emotional abuse at the hands of her husband.
Ngwenyama has taken on the mantle of role model for South Africa’s thousands of abused women. She has rebuilt her life from the ruins of depression, withdrawal, anxiety and low self-esteem. She did it by walking out of her six-year marriage and taking control of her family’s purse strings.
“Victims of emotional abuse are left powerless, fearful and dependent and that’s how their abusers like it,” says Ngwenyama, speaking out against the typical modus operandi of abusive partners.
“Women must stop being dependent on their husbands and partners for their livelihood. They need to know they can do anything they want without a man, and must feel confident in themselves.”
Ngwenyama’s successful building business in Mpumalanga’s Shweni tribal trust near the provincial capital of Nelspruit was recognised by the government last month with the awarding of the largest contract yet to a female contractor.
“I have now proved my money-making mettle. I never enjoyed a single day of my marriage because even though my husband never hit me, he abused me emotionally,” she says. “He told me I was useless, but I have now proved him wrong and finally have control of my own life and future.”
Because he was the sole breadwinner Ngwenyama endured the verbal lashings, always hoping that things would get better. But they only got worse. After six unhappy years she began to realise her own self-worth. “I just told myself I don’t want to be a housewife anymore and went looking for work.”
She left the children in the care of her mother and took a job as a chambermaid in a Johannesburg hotel. She moved back to Shweni nine years later when her mother became too old to look after the children.
But before she left Johannesburg she bought bags of new clothing, which she then sold to the villagers back home. This business boomed and before long Ngwenyama was able to buy a bakkie.
When her clothing supplier closed down she shifted her business acumen to another project — buying mielies from farms, converting them to meal and selling it to local shops. This business was even more lucrative than its predecessor, and Ngwenyama soon managed to save enough money to build a house.
She hired her own builders and supervised the construction of the family’s beautiful four-bedroom home. The house attracted the attention of local building contractors, who were so impressed by the workmanship that they recommended Ngwenyama register as a building contractor to build homes for others.
“I registered my company, Mudutjana, as a close corporation, and shortly afterwards won a tender to renovate a secondary school in Salubindza tribal trust,” she says.
The building industry in South Africa is traditionally a man’s world, but the 18 men who now work for Mudutjana are happy to work under Ngwenyama.
“I am happy to work under this woman, because she is humble and down to earth,” says builder Elphus Leyane with a smile.
“She respects us and always pays our salaries on time. She speaks to us like a mother and never shouts at us like other bosses,” Leyane said.
With a loyal team backing her, Ngwenyama has managed to break into the fiercely competitive professional contracting industry.
Ngwenyama, who turned 49 this year, is humble about her achievements.
“I’m not brilliant. Any other woman can do the same. My life changed dramatically for the better the day I realised that I was worth something and that my ideas and my labour could generate money.
“My message to other women, who are sitting at home and doing nothing with their lives, is simply this: stand up for yourselves. There are plenty of opportunities for women these days, especially with the government wanting to help.”
Ngwenyama said the only real way for South African women to fight crimes such as rape was to win as much political and economic power as possible. “Men don’t take crimes like rape seriously because we’re powerless. We don’t have real voices, so they can afford to ignore our complaints,” she says.
“But they will have to listen if we are their employers, their bosses and their paymasters. Only then will people realise that if you hit a woman, you hit a rock.” — African Eye News Service