So Leah McLaren, Gwyneth Paltrow and Heather Graham think British men are crap at dating. They’ve got it wrong — it’s American women who don’t know what they’re doing.
I lived in New York for two years and quickly worked out the routine. Man approaches woman in a bar. Man gets number. Man makes call. Man pays for dinner. Man makes next call. Man pays for next dinner.
Woman doesn’t invite man home. Woman doesn’t even kiss man. Woman says, ”Thank you and goodnight.”
Sure there were exceptions but this was the norm. It drove me up the wall. Now maybe I’m an ugly bugger with no personality. But this was happening to every single man I knew. Janet was the reason I finally gave up and came back to the land of the ladette, Great Britain. Janet was a fast-track go-getter: sharp, witty, ambitious. She was the cream of New York women and delightful company.
Delightful, that is, until we started dating. That’s when she became a fluffy, passive girl’s blouse. She always waited for me to call. I had to chose the restaurant. She would laugh at my jokes and pretend to be interested in my job. And then the bill would arrive and she would look down, embarrassed, as I fumbled for my credit card.
Janet was the higher earner and was clearly better at her job. She spoke of directors’ meetings and dinners with famous names. I tried to talk up my crummy job but I was no match, until the bill came. At that moment I became the boss and her success meant nothing. And after dinner we would walk home and stop at her apartment block. She would become coy, kiss my cheek and say goodnight and thank you. We were clearly attracted to each other. I was sure she wanted to invite me up but was fighting the urge — as if some behavioural standard was in the way.
Janet was just the latest in a string of similar encounters. In my despair I complained to a female colleague, to be told that Janet, and millions of American women like her, were following The Rules. The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr Right is a little book by two witches called Ellen Fakeorgasm and Sherrie Spinster. The Rules state that men know what they want and they love to chase. And for women to make themselves attractive they have to run away. When the man of your dreams approaches, it says, you must brush him off — persistently. Only then will he value you as a special person. This draws him in and, like a Venus flytrap, the gates of marriage crash behind him.
Sure, men like to chase. But a study of these rules reveals misery for everybody concerned. For New York women it has led to a demographic disaster. These rules are worth closer scrutiny: don’t stare at men. This isn’t advice for the subway. Women are not allowed to return a man’s look anywhere. Women are to just smile at the room like a lunatic holding a fart. Oh, great. The only ”time-tested” way of knowing if a man should approach a woman is banned. At this rate, the only men our girl is going to attract are redneck sex pests from Wankov, Idaho.
Don’t call him and rarely return his call. What? This is a stalker’s charter. Winning a date in New York requires male behaviour that in Britain would win him a court restraining order. Of course, there’s one advantage to this rule. The man never has to finish with a woman. He just stops calling.
Don’t split the bill on a date. Paying for dinner is supposed to be a sign that the man values the woman’s company. Fine, but we don’t mean one date here. My dining companion could retire on the dosh she had saved by the time The Rules suggests it’s OK to even go halves. Most British women I know would view this as a patronising insult.
Don’t rush into sex. Sex, ha. If India wants to solve its population problem they should publish the book there.
Women like Janet will doggedly stick to The Rules and blame past failures on not applying them diligently enough. And the older the woman the more The Rules are supposed to apply. It’s amazing. In the world’s most innovative, forward-thinking nation one stupid book has regressed women by centuries. What they fail to realise — and this goes as much for Paltrow as The Rules‘s authors — is that the sexual revolution changed men as well as women. The feminists who tried to create a balance within relationships should spit in disgust at American dating behaviour and British men and women should be cheered for admitting that dating is meant to end in sex. If you don’t fancy the outcome with your date, be honest enough not to let him buy you dinner. — (c) Guardian Newspapers 2002
Robert Kelsey is the author of The Pursuit of Happiness: Overpaid, Oversexed and Over There