The mother-in-law — scapegoat of the old-school male comedian and the butt of many a best man’s joke in wedding speeches. It always got a laugh — ”Take my mother-in-law. Take her!!!” — but faded away as the times grew more politically correct. But the feelings a man has towards his mother-in-law are tame compared to the minefield of emotions at play between a woman and her mother-in-law. And after the festive season — when women connected to other women through sons and husbands have been thrown together — many of us wonder why it is so hard to get along.
Of course, some mothers and daughters-in-law are best friends. I even know one woman whose mother-in-law lives with her, her husband and their three children. She says that she would have left him years ago were it not for her mother-in-law. However, using my friends and acquaintances as a barometer, it would seem that, usually, along with money and sex, the man’s mother is one of the biggest causes of friction between couples.
Why? First, many mothers have been the most important woman in their boy’s life until the first live-in partner comes along. Second, many mothers feel that no woman will ever be good enough for the son she has nurtured for so long.
Janet Marshall* (38) has what might be described as a ”classic” mother/ daughter-in-law relationship. ”My partner’s mother is very undermining, which was easy to ignore before we had children. Now that we have a five-year-old and a three-year-old, the ‘suggestions’ come thick and fast. She was an old-fashioned stay-at-home mum and the fact that I work peeves her. She rings up day and night to tell me that she is worried I am not giving the children enough calcium, that their reading is not good enough, or their table manners are bad.
”I would love to point out that just because she gave up everything for her children, it does not necessarily make her a better mother than me. David just sits uneasily somewhere in the middle.”
It is easy to understand why Janet finds her interfering mother-in-law trying, but changes in the way we live have introduced new factors into this complex relationship. As counsellor Freya Goodwin says: ”These days your mother-in-law may well be working and leading an extremely busy life.” So rather than interference causing tension, it may be that her independence and dynamism grates.
Gill Hardson (67) runs a public relations company. ”I know that my daughter-in-law disapproves of me because I can’t always make the children’s birthdays and don’t do the normal grannyish things. What she has to try and understand is that I had my child-rearing time. I love my grandchildren and I am sure that when they get older they will come and stay with me and I will take them on holiday, but for now I just feel that I must press on before I get too over the hill to keep up the pace. Who knows, she might feel the same when she gets to my age.”
Some women say that it is not their mother-in-law’s presence, or lack of it, that makes things tricky, but the impact she has on the marital relationship. Sarah Jacobs (29) has a mother-in-law who lives in New York and only has to see her twice a year. Even so, Sarah says she still looms too large in their lives. ”Just the weekly phone call with his mother makes him low. It’s all, ‘Don’t you go worrying about me’ stuff. My husband always tries to cheer her up by being falsely jolly. He is very upset after he has spoken to her and yet, dare I say it, it sounds like he was pretty neglected as a child and taken care of by nannies much of the time.”
Split loyalties are the nub of the problem for Sarah. ”At Christmas it can be pretty tricky because he feels that we should be with her and I know that it would be very depressing.”
This Christmas her husband flew to the United States to be with his mother and Sarah spent it with her family. ”I feel that as a grown man his loyalty should be with his wife rather then his mother. He should not be a son before he is a husband.”
This is the crux of the matter. The man in the middle. What should he do to help the most important women in his life get on? Goodwin advises men: ”Don’t defend your mother to your partner. She doesn’t want to hear how much you love, admire or feel guilty about her. Listen to your wife’s complaints and let her off the hook by telling her that she doesn’t have to like your mother, but that she must allow you to have a relationship with her. If your mother is criticising your wife, you might ask yourself what her motives might be. Tell her she doesn’t have to like her, but that she is your wife and you love her.”
Now that our own sons are getting older, my friends and I often ask ourselves how we can be more than tolerable as mothers-in-law. Of course, we all think we know exactly how to handle it and that we will be helpful without being undermining, independent without being aloof, supportive without being suffocating and somehow manage to maintain our special relationship with our sons without challenging their partners. But we do know that only if we are exceptionally lucky will a natural, easy friendship develop from a relationship in which jealousy, competition and irritation are the very foundation. — Â