To the list of famous, if hopeless, excuses — that includes ”The dog ate my homework” and ”The devil made me do it” — can now be added, ”My mum gave it to me”.
Whether Shane Warne actually said this or not is beside the point. No less an eminence than Tony Greig proffered this as an explanation of where Warne obtained the diuretic that, for the time being at least, is keeping him out of the World Cup. And if Greigie says this is so, who are we to argue?
If nothing else, Warne’s admission that he had tested positive for hydrochlorothiazide and amiloride should have put paid to the scandalous suggestion that he owed his new trim waistline and firm jawline to the surgeon’s knife. All it was, apparently, was a fluid-reducing agent. And, according to the Australian Cricket Board’s official release on the subject, the substances concerned are ”not believed to be performance enhancing”.
This last bit, of course, is a moot point. If you take stuff in order to lose weight, are you doing so in an effort to become swifter, faster and better? Or are you taking it for reasons of self- esteem? Oh, why be mealy-mouthed about this, do you think you’ll look hotter if you look slimmer?
As far as the first point is concerned, this would almost certainly be the case if you were, for example, a sprinter. But maybe the same considerations do not apply to spin bowling. Indeed, it is possible to argue that a few extra pounds here and there might help get the ball down the other end into roughly the right place at approximately the right speed.
I offer as evidence the case of Corrie Jordaan, a slow left-arm spinner of not inconsiderable bulk, who once plied his trade for Easterns. Corrie’s claim to fame was that during the 1995/96 England tour of South Africa he did Michael Atherton with his arm ball and had the England skipper stumped.
Jordaan’s moment of glory, however, was sullied by unflattering comparisons to the heavy roller and he determined that he would show the mockers. He dieted furiously, lost what seemed to be about half of his body weight and sold his sweater to a passing circus to be used as a spare big top. Indeed, he featured in a photo-graph in the Sunday Times that showed graphically how slim and sylph-like he had become. And, to lapse into the colloquial, he couldn’t bowl a hoop down a hill.
He lost his place in the Easterns side, but after a season or two re-emerged on the other side of Johannesburg in the North West province. He was chubbier, admittedly, but he had rediscovered his skills. So who are we to question Warne’s motives?
The loss of Warne to this World Cup is considerable, and not just to Australia’s prospects of retaining the trophy. Whatever you think of Australians generally and Warne in particular, he has proved himself one of the game’s most glittering stars. And he has done so over and over and over again.
He is a giant of the modern game and the player who, almost single-handedly, reinvented the art of leg-spin. It might be stretching a point to claim that without Warne Australia would not have emerged as the dominant force in world cricket, but it is possible to argue that he has played a significant role in the type of cricket now practised by Australia: aggressive, confident and wonderfully entertaining.
This World Cup was supposed to have been Warne’s swansong as a one-day player. But for the moment we do not know whether we will, in fact, ever see him on an international field again.
South Africans love to hate Shane Warne, but he has been a part of our return to international cricket. This World Cup will, of course, continue with or without Warne, but without him the tournament has lost a little of its gloss. Anyone who has any interest in cricket wanted Warne here, a last chance, perhaps, to see another ”ball from hell”. It’s as if Brazil had played the 1970 World Cup without Pele.
We might never know whether Warne was na-ve or, as Australian captain Ricky Ponting observed on Tuesday, stupid. But we should mourn his absence from this tournament. There now seems little prospect of him ever playing seriously in South Africa again. Anyone who delights in this is simply crackers. We might not see his like again.