Higgomis Hoggomis
Women are Monogomous
Hoggomis Higgomis
Men Are Polygamous — Hilaire Belloc
Just when you were getting used to the idea that having sex before marriage might not lead to eternal damnation; and just when you’ve started thinking that even should you fall for a person with a set of genitals not entirely different to your own, you might, actually, still be, (sort of), okay — now it’s time to get ready for the next insurrection on the frontiers of the sexual revolution. Welcome to the poly society, where many loves are better than one.
As with any society, terminology is important, and in the poly society you’ll find a variety of options to combat the curse of monogamy, such as triads, vees, line families, quads, pentacles, sextets and more. Quite a few of these are terms created by writers of science fiction and fantasy, like Robert Heinlein, Robert Rimmer and Marion Zimmer Bradley, authors who’ve all described utopian societies where men and women live in peaceful, pleasurable, non-possessive harmony with each other. But is such a world really possible?
As a qualified ”mono” I surreptitiously slipped into a meeting of the Polyamory Society, which took place in a smoky attic up in Melville. I realised I was in at the deep end when a discussion ensued about ways in which polys could set about convincing monos to go poly with as little trauma as possible.
Words like ”induction” and ”initiation” were used to elaborate means one might employ in order to introduce the all too resistant mono into leaving behind their security issues and the cultural indoctrination that teaches that monogamy is a good and fine thing.
So, for example, the poly initiator should ”inject the poly meme” into the mono who may well be expected to moan about jealousy and security, and who may, at first, be too afraid to let go of the conditioning imposed on them by the morality of monogamy that has been ceaselessly pumped into their psyches by literature, music and the media.
Having zipped my jacket right up to my chin for fear of being unceremoniously targeted by a poly hoping to initiate me into a more beautiful and creative existence, I was rather surprised to find that polys have little respect for swinging and the casual swapping of partners. Their aim is far more revolutionary.
Instead of infringing on the confines of society’s borders for one illicit night of pleasure, they seek rather to shake established norms to their very foundation by developing long lasting, emotional, and deeply intimate relationships with a network of people.
As Garth, the founder of the Polyamory Society in South Africa, explains: ”A network is a strong structure. Polyamory facilitates networking, since it provides a committed base while allowing individuals the freedom to explore natural paths and make new connections. As an evolutionary survival tool, polyamorism is more efficient and adaptive to change than more exclusive models of relationships.”
Trust and honesty are central to any poly arrangement. Sleaze doesn’t feature.
The impulse towards polyamorism usually begins when one person in a partnership admits to strong feelings for someone outside of the existing dyad, while still wishing to maintain a romantic relationship with the person with whom they originally fell in love. So instead of leaving one love for another, both are accommodated.
The modern practice of serial monogamy is considered a form of hypocrisy, where a new lover is legitimised only by the complete exclusion of a former lover. (For those who might blanch at such breathtaking gall, the American polyamory magazine LoveMore recommends reading Radical Honesty by Dr Brad Blanton.)
So polys want the best of both worlds, one might say. They want many lovers all living in peace and harmony with each other. They want the post-modern ”both/and”, rather than the Kierkegaardian ”either/or”.
Sound too good to be true? Or too strange? Actually, when seen in the context of all societies past and present, the polygamous option is certainly a very long way from being any sort of aberration.
”Hoggomis Higgomis, men are polygamous,” wrote Hillaire Belloc in a moment inspired by the educating influence of laughing gas; and this is a sentiment shared by some 84% of the world’s known societies. At least that’s the figure recorded by the enormous Christian polygamy site www.bfree.org , where one also finds links to ”the webpage of Stan’s third wife”, who reports that, ”Polygamy has made [Stan] into a complete and joyous man, a faithful husband and father, and the tenderest of lovers.”
So if you’re tempted by the poly lifestyle, you might heed the words of Pete Seeger quoted on the FAQ of the alt.polyamory newsgroup: ”Take it easy, but take it.”
The Polyamory Society meets at 8pm every second Thursday at Merlin’s, Main Street, Melville