Seeing as the Persian Gulf distraction has subsided somewhat, (the illegal occupation of a country doesn’t make for good TV coverage yet. Give it a month or two as popular outrage against the US within Iraq, starts racking up the body count again.) Anyhow – I thought we all needed a nice gear change.
The Internet is there for three reasons. Information, news and of course, good old pornography. (Not that anyone really knows what pornography is). Bill Hicks made the point that the Supreme Court ruling about pornography being defined as “the displaying of any act without artistic or social merit” sounded like a perfect description of every TV advert you’ve ever seen.
(To see what a moral stand is like, read about The Doors refusing to allow their music to ever be used in adverts: Riders On The Storm.)
So lets look at a range of fake and satirical porn sites, set up to play with the fairly obsessive human compulsion and interest in fornication. Again I must say, to stop any whining – these are NOT “real” porn sites. So if you have an untreated phobia about the genre, I suggest looking around your country, at all the real pain, hunger and suffering — and perhaps worrying about that first.
To give you a sense of what humans are actually thinking and looking for online, when they’re alone and in private — do yourself a favor and scroll through the many frightening (and often X-rated) items at Disturbing Search Engine Requests.
You’ve heard the word, and maybe even seen the decidedly creepy and frankly deranged local police spokesmen talking about it. Now at last, go stare at Kittie Porn.
Or if you want a vast array of free (fake) porn, wash your hands carefully and mouse directly to The Free Porn Site.
To go sideways into “let’s-play-with-recognizable-cultural-icons-and-freak-Disney-out” territory — dive right into The Kama Sutra of Pooh.
And to see how even Lego can be corrupted by the evil thoughts of humans, there’s always Lego Porn.
Society exists in a state of permanent arrested development — a juvenile fascination with appearance, genitals and sex. (Look at the covers and articles of every magazine, or the carefully chosen cute bimbo’s selling products on TV.) Yet that’s acceptable and porno isn’t. You want fries with that double standard?
Maybe you saw the movie Witness, which went into the Amish lifestyle — those deeply religious folks who avoid most of the trappings of modern life. Well, just in case you thought their lives were boring and dull, experience the wonder, the passion and the joy of Amish Heat Amish Heat. Then try Hot Amish Women. To dip into real Amish creations, go browse the hand made objects at the rather oddly-named but genuine Amish shop Amish Pleasures. For more info on this fascinating community try Amish Info.
Now some folks are a little kinky, and forget whines about modern permissiveness — ancient literature is filled with anecdotes and casual references to people getting up to mischief in barnyards and pastures. With that in mind — and this is specially for those “happiness-is-a warm-puppy” people – try Real Sheep.
Or perhaps, just to demonstrate that capitalism has no boundaries — go stare at a company you wouldn’t tell Mom about if you worked for them. Try The Inflatable Sheep Company.
And in case you thought celebrities were exempt from the urge to interfere with other species, go see what happens when Photoshop and celebrity pictures collide at Celebrity Bestiality.
(I actually found a fairly lengthy site dedicated to the nuts and bolts of having sex with dolphins, but — and trust me here — the info was real, and I made a decision call all by myself that some things are best left unpublicized.)
As I’m one of those boring total vegetarian types, who doesn’t need to eat flesh in order to have a well-adjusted homicidal rage at most things — I cant resist throwing in the very interesting, but not technically porno in the traditional sense, Vegan Porn.
Something I really wish would begin here, is the practise of thoroughly disrespecting statues. Rather than go into a boring tirade about the stupidity of public erections, take a look at why you, too, should photograph yourself with a local statue and join the ranks of the cool, anarchic, suave and thoroughly silly Statue Molesters .
Naturally some people dont just molest statues, they happily jump anything in sight — and then have their photo taken while doing it. Go see how both genders do it at I Hump Things.
Or for genital fascination taken to the ultimate, as in “why did anyone bother doing that?” – get ready to go down at Vulva Puppets.
Anyhow, if you prefer your women contrite, caged, and keen to communicate — go consider the multiple lessons to be gained from a site filled with female prisoners looking for the perfect match, at the real site known as Jail Babes.
So what do you do if you want to make a fake academic study examining male sexuality? Do you think about it in private for years on end — or do you make a nice big sandwich board saying “I’ll pay you to let me put your dick on my website?” and then walk around and see who’s willing to show all?
Be advised there is some male nudity, so for those of you who believe that God made a mistake when he made groins, avoid Do Men Have Penises.
And then, given that I may be the target of lynch mobs of whiney weirdo’s – for those who’ve decided that incompetence, corruption and crime is no replacement for a decent government, go hone up on the facts at The Budget Travellers Guide To Sleeping In Airports.
Until the next time, if sticky mouse balls don’t get me.