Since I got online way back in the gunmetal gray, ad-free days of the mid-Nineties, I’ve done many things online which I hope no one ever finds out about — but the one thing I’ve always wanted to do, was to start my own begging site. I actually tried once, setting up a site listing the cost of bullets, rifles and an air ticket to Washington, and made a “Help Me Kill the President” begging site, but FortuneCity deleted it rapidly. Can’t think why. Maybe I should do it again, and use ol’ Thabo as a focus, just to see if the world would hand over money to a potential assassin of the primary cause of the spread of Aids in sub-Saharan Africa.
People beg online for a variety of reasons, the main one of course being for cash. At least that’s the theory. Often it’s a great way to make a satiric comment (and get a few dollars from folks who get the joke and have some spare cash to hand over). Look at a site of a man trying to raise donations for a new car: Ed Needs a Hummer.
Begging sites veer between carefully worked-out manipulation and arbitrary money-grabbing without much hope of success — consider the one-sentence approach of Save My Son. Then perhaps you might want to Send Michele to France. Or help a Vietnam veteran fix his broken sewerage pipe AND help pay his wife’s hospital bills at Vietnam Vet.
If you’re of a more artistic bent, then maybe your buttons will get pushed by begging from an unpublished poet at Help Me Publish My Poetry. Of course, saying that you have a brain tumour and live in Texas — as if there’s a difference — is more likely to get you some extra attention. Consider Save Maggie.
Then, moving into slightly darker realms, how about a site set up by a woman who supposedly a) wants to leave her husband and b) then wants to become a nurse? It’s a clever combo of button-pushing within the viewer — and there’s always the possibility that it’s true. Go warily towards Help Me Leave My Husband.
Gear change: for you hairy folks into noise, while it lasts, grab a free download of Lenny Kravitz’s We Want Peace.
It’s always difficult staying out of the porno industry, isn’t it? I mean, I know exactly how that feels. All that quick money to be made in exchange for a bit of filmed action, opposed to actually working at a dreary job, day in and day out. Take the case of Jen, who wants to get out of the porn industry, and follow her dream of finishing medical school. Jen is nice enough to provide some pix showing how badly she’s been exploited thus far, just to help you in your decision to stop her from being porked for easy money. Look at Keep Me Out of the Porn Industry!
Having cancer appears to be a good device to elicit sympathy as well, although it’s safer to suggest that you HAD cancer, and now are lumbered with hospital bills that need to be paid. I guess it cuts out the need to provide a breakdown of all the expensive treatment you had to go through. Here’s an “I had cancer and am stuck with the bills” type of site: Rescue Steph.
What’s worse than a bloody marimba band? Correct — a Zulu marimba band who want their airfare paid to the United States. Go stare warily at the design-free begging page of an alleged Vuka Afrika Marimba Band.
Then, for another example of supposed South Africans overseas discovering that they have to work for a living, and are too damn lazy to do it, take a look at the fun of a humiliated SA Artist Begging in US.
Alternatively, you could just be begging because of surviving a freak accident at an amusement park. No kidding, go navigate through the various font sizes in use at Freak Amusement Park Thrill Ride Accident Begging.
That’s not to say that all begging sites are frivolous, stupid or insane — consider the case of this next page designed to help a 300- pound man pay for liposuction to have his breasts reduced. Luckily there aren’t pictures at Help Reduce My Breasts.
Then there are the attractions of a female soldier looking for money to pay off bills incurred by her breast cancer, at Help me Pay My Medical Bills. On the other hand, Aimee wants bigger breasts — and needs you to pay for them: I Want Bigger Breasts! And there’s another female who seems to think that having larger breasts will change her world — put your head between them and go “blubble blubble” at Give a Mom DD Breasts.
Or try a site for someone who thinks he’s losing their hair and needs a hair transplant. Yeah, right. You’ll notice the approach for basic cash begging is wrapped in a deeply sensitive, thoughtful and caring package. Look at the flies skidding off Shiny Noggin.
Then, for “I have a disease” type of begging, try a page set up by Jennifer, who apparently has something called Lyme’s disease. No, I dont know what it is, and yes, I could have looked it up, but I don’t care enough, so there. Put on your virtual nurse outfit and make your way to Help Jennifer.
People will try and get money for just about anything, even opera singing lessons. I’m not kidding. Go look over the begging style of Elaine as she tries to get the online world to Help an Aspiring Opera Singer.
Or how about a basic page set up to get money to help stop someone from stuttering? Look at Help Me Get a Speacheasy Device.
Perhaps you’d like to help two lesbians start a family, given that — according to them — sperm is expensive. Gee, not where I come from. Ahem, maybe I could .. er … lend them a helping hand in that regard. I’m sorry, that was below the belt. Take a look at Help Us Make a Baby.
Until the next time, if swarms of cyber-beggars don’t get me.
Ian Fraser is a playwright, author, comedian, conspiracy nut, old-time radio collector and self-confessed data-junkie. Winner of numerous Vita and Amstel awards, he’s been an Internet addict and games-fanatic since around 1995, when the Internet began to make much more sense than theatre.