Coach class

It’s hard to be objective when you’re being pampered in five-star surroundings, especially when Violet is gently massaging shoulders tense from a four-hour drive with the sweetest smelling oil, and the sound of DStv’s New Age music channel is lulling you to sleep.

I am at the Agatha Spa, a few twists and turns outside Tzaneen, in the forgotten province of Limpopo. The spa and its sensorium downstairs are part of the Coach House, a small, independent hotel tucked surreptitiously into a hillside overlooking one of the most beautiful vistas these eyes have had the pleasure of seeing in many a year.

It’s all pleasantly surprising that havens like this exist a few hours’ drive from the urban drone of Gauteng and, as Violet steps up the pace on my aching back, I try to forget the guilt of the two scones settling like bricks in my tummy.

I didn’t order them. The head waiter did as he saw me plonk my sore bod down on one of the plump loungers that are positioned backs to the pool so their occupants can enjoy the amazing view of the northern Drakensberg.

“Madam looks as if she needs some sustenance,” he intoned with a wave of his hand that sent minions scurrying eagerly for the kitchen.

Minutes later a damask-covered silver tray was set down next to me, which revealed a pot of Earl Grey, home-made preserves, the aforementioned scones and the best afternoon tea silverware to complement the porcelain cups and plates.

How could I refuse? I’d just checked in and was killing time before my massage.

It was all so civilised, so … classy. Yes, that’s it. Definitely classy.

From the moment you pull up underneath the Port Cochere the Coach House oozes class. Not the gaudy, nouveau riche brand of class but the quiet, understated sort, born of generations of class before it.

It’s not surprising, considering that the hotel is a member of the Leading Independent Hotels of Southern Africa group, a position it shares with the likes of The Residence in Mauritius, Sabi Sabi’s Earth Lodge and Rovos Rail. The difference is that at the Coach House class doesn’t cost nearly as much.

Tailored to suit young urban professionals, couples, fortysomethings, retirees and landed gentry, the hotel does not accept children under 14 years of age.

As the mother of an unusually well-behaved eight-year-old, I must admit to having qualms about this, but having experienced the tranquility of not having to deal with “Mum…” this and “Mum…” that, I must confess to rather enjoying the childless surroundings. And it certainly enhances the romance of the place.

The hotel is set in extensive, wonderful gardens, filled to overflowing with azaleas and camellias. The architecture is classic country house, with whitewashed walls and wooden picture-frame sash windows.

The Coach House stands near the site of a staging post built in 1892 and used by the Zeederberg Coach Company to rest and change their teams of mules and oxen before tackling the final step along a torturous coach road leading to Thabina, Leydsdorp and the Lowveld.

As befits its history, the furnishings are opulent yesteryear, with some fabulous antique pieces matched by tasteful reproductions.

And, as with most five-star hotels of its ilk, it’s the finishing touches that really make the difference. Such as the open fireplaces in the rooms, set and lit for you by a very willing “fireman” on chilly evenings.

Or the tin of the most divine shortbread biscuits, laid out with the complimentary fruit on the dressing table. And the recess in the wooden TV cabinet that receives from outside on the stoep a tray of tea, juice or coffee at a time of your choosing in the mornings.

The rooms are more like miniature suites, with comfy armchairs in front of the fire set to one side of the capacious beds, and a set of cane chairs and a table on the tiled stoep enjoying a private view of those distant mountains.

The hotel also has larger, proper suites with completely separate living areas, although heaven knows why one would want more space.

Pathways through the gardens link the hotel rooms to the other facilities such as the croquet lawn and the pool area. The Agatha Spa is set below the rooms on two levels with uninterrupted views of the valley and those ever-present mountains.

The sensorium boasts a dining area, large, heated jet pool and gymnasium. It’s all indoors, but in warm weather the sliding wooden doors open out completely to let the outdoors in.

But, no matter how stressed out you are, there’s only so much relaxing you can do. The good news is if you can pry yourself away from the view and take some time to explore the surroundings, the Coach House offers the ideal base from which to spread your wings, with a range of activities on tap.

First off, the area is a prime birding spot. Lovers of feathered things will not be disappointed in the range of species waiting to be spotted — more than 370 of them to be exact.

History lovers need not worry either, with the village of Leydsdorp, the site of the 1880s gold rush, nearby, the Long Tom Monument at Magoebaskloof a half-hour drive away and the Masorini Iron Age site an hour down the road in the Kruger National Park.

Culture vultures are in luck too. The Tzaneen Museum is just down the road, the Modjadji community in the Modjadji cycad forest offers an insight into the history and legends of the rain queens and the Tsonga kraal portrays the culture of the Tsonga and Shangaan people.

Golfers can take advantage of the Tzaneen Country Club and the famed Hans Merensky Country Club, which is an hour by car from the hotel. But perhaps the most impressive of the activities on offer is a township and cultural tour run by local guide James Ndhlovu.

If it sounds like you’re spoilt for choice that’s because you are. Which is not a bad thing, as spoiling guests seems to be the hotel’s general raison d’être. In all honesty I found very little to fault at the Coach House. The food was fantastic, the atmosphere convivial and I will definitely be going back for more as soon as I can.