Zoom, zoom Zuma off

Zoom, zoom Zuma off

Being deputy president of South Africa has its perks. About 500 000 of them at last count, but one of the most important, yet least tangible, is the ability to demand respect from those inhabitants of the gutter-press that dare to cross your path.

At least this seems to be what one of Jacob Zuma’s spin doctors, Zanele Mngadi, believes. Hacks hanging around at the South African Transport and Allied Workers’ Union conference in Kempton Park on Monday were told in no uncertain terms to not be ”disrespectful”.

And that if the reporters persisted (which is what they do for a living) Mngadi would ”get the bodyguards to throw them out”.

Saths law

One of the first things beleagured University of Durban-Westville (UDW) vice-chancellor Saths Cooper did on assuming office was to fire UDW’s legal representative, the long-established Durban firm of attorneys, Garlicke & Bousefield, and replace them with a Gauteng firm.

This meant extensive flying down to attend to the university’s many labour issues, hiring Durban advocates to appear in the Council for Conciliation, Mediation and Arbitration and so on.

It’s rumoured that legal expenses have exceeded R1-million this year so far. It sounds a bit like General Motors — who are reputed to have had an unlimited budget for legal matters and still managed to exceed the budget!

Up the Buffels

Lemmer’s spies at this week’s open Springbok practice session in the dorp formerly known as Pretoria returned to the Dorsbult desperately in need of some liquid sustenance. ”Jy kan nie dit glo nie,” said one after several restorative Klippies and Cokes. ”There was the pride of the nation, the manne we expect to return the William Webb Ellis trophy to its rightful place in Oom Silas’s cabinet, and they went 90% of the practice session without touching the ball.”

For a team whose handling skills let them down so often in the Tri-Nations and beyond, Oom Krisjan thinks it’s rather careless not to bother to practise throwing and catching the ball.

But worse was to come. At the end of the session the entire squad ”bonded” by doing a circuit of the field. The forwards, who apparently had stood around watching for most of the time, were puffing and blowing so hard by the time they’d made it three-quarters of the way around, it caused Lemmer’s despondent source to proclaim: ”They’re not Boks, they’re buffaloes!”

Cow cops

In India, where most of the population are followers of the Hindu religion that holds cows sacred, beef is on the hoof and not on the plate.

But, the Times of India reports, India’s Animal Welfare Board wants a paramilitary police force to protect the beasts.

Considering the consumption of beef is a very sensitive issue, and that some people have been killed for slaughtering the animals, the carnivorous Krisjan Lemmer thinks this is a load of bull.

Saddam’s spawn

Now that Uday and Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of Saddam’s lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of the Bushbaby’s forces.

Among the brothers, there are Sooflay, the restaurateur; Guday, the half-Australian brother; Huray, the sports fanatic; Sashay, the gay brother; Kuntay and Kintay, the twins from the African mother; Sayhay, the baseball player; Ojay, the stalker/ murderer; Ebay, the Internet czar; Biliray, the country music star; Ecksray, the radiologist; Puray, the blender-factory owner; and Regay, the half-Jamaican brother.

Among the sisters there’s Pusay, the ”loose” 22-year-old; Lattay, the coffeeshop owner; Bufay, the 150kg sister; Dushay, the clean sister; Phayray, the zoo worker in the gorilla house; Ollay, the half-Mexican sister, and Gudlay, the prostitute. And finally there’s Oyvay — but the family doesn’t like to talk about him much.

Coming soon