Riddles in the dark

Bilbo Baggins, caught between a rock, a hard place and a throttling, could have empathised with South African cricket when he was asked, ‘What has it got in its pocketses?”

But where the less famous Baggins could disappear, leaving Gollum to howl about stolen jewellery and repetitive diets, the game in this country is once again in danger of being caught out in the open with not a shrub in sight.

So what has it got in its pocketses? With the tour of Pakistan mercifully fading into a dim memory of ineptness, and the season thoroughly under way, one has the sinking sensation that the answer to the bulgy-eyed strangler’s question is: not a lot.

A vague answer, and one of very few that we have. Riddles in the dark seem out of place in a bright and baking November, but the silence emanating from all things cricket in South Africa — national, provincial, the hobbled club game — makes the imminent arrival of the West Indies seem ghostly and unreal.

There is no sense of a new season, a fresh start, rather only the musty smell of the soggy fag-ends of an immensely long one that started with the World Cup and ended in Pakistan. Or did it start in Australia? Or — no, wait, that was earlier. When did—? Well, it’s been a long one.

There are always questions before a major Test series, issues of form and fitness, pleasurable what-ifs and ghoulish reflections on bouncers top-edged into noses. Invariably none of these questions need answering: injuries take care of themselves and the game goes on.

But still one would like to know a couple of things. When, for instance, Neil McKenzie — deified in Gauteng as the Son of the Father Kevin and cricketing messiah — is going to reveal himself to us in all his alleged glory with six or seven consecutive scores, rather than his usual sporadic defensive efforts.

And is Mark Boucher still the best man for the job behind the stumps? This is not a challenge but a question. Where are the contenders? Who is standing up to spinners better and making more runs? And if that person exists, why isn’t the person being pushed forward? Is anyone home? Hello?

As least we know slightly more when it comes to Graeme Smith. We know that he and Minki are in lurve. I read it in the papers so it’s true. May they be very happy and have lots of curvy, lipless children. But while it’s marvellous news for those with walk-in shrines to Joost and Amor, it’s not quite the triple-ton against Boland or Griquas we’re waiting for, and doesn’t answer the questions about Biff’s almost supernatural loss of the form that awed England.

And speaking of irksome questions, what the hell does Daryll Cullinan think he’s doing in the SuperSport Series? Doesn’t he know that when one has been shafted by the South African sport one needs to retire quietly to open a small and ultimately unsuccessful consulting business? Why then must he come with all this five-runs-an-over nonsense and an average of more than 60?

And don’t even get me started on Lance Klusener. ‘Move on”, they said, ‘be a good sport”, they said, but does he listen to common sense? First the lawsuit, and now 20 wickets in four games. Has he no shame?

But all jokes on a stick, why is Klusener the second-most prolific wicket-taker in South Africa so far this season? No one can question the usefulness of his medium-paced cutters and yorkers, but with all due respect, he should be sitting five or six spots down in the bowling lists behind a baying pack of murderous fast bowlers. And when Henry Williams — a bowler as dangerous as a Maltese poodle — is in ninth place, you know there’s a problem.

South Africa’s lack of pace firepower is nothing new. The retirement of Alan Donald — whose greatness is magnified by every short, wide and earnest medium-paced delivery dished up by the current attack — and the horrible disappointment of losing Mfuneko Ngam to chronic injury, are setbacks far more grave than can usually be recognised in the day-to-day details of a Test series. Test series ask questions. Genuinely fast bowlers answer them.

Of the top five leading wicket-takers in domestic cricket thus far this season, only one is a genuine quicky, despite having settled for fast-medium pace in his old age. And besides, Donald isn’t in contention any more. Tyrone Henderson? Charl Willoughby? Garnett Kruger? No answers here. The selection and subsequent dumping of Mondi Zondeki, whose work ethic could never disguise a lack of the fast-bowling Right Stuff, has merely asked more questions.

So can we have a fresh start, please, Mr Smith? I know England was the fresh start, but it got a bit mouldy in Pakistan, so can we have another?